Thursday, June 25, 2009

"Let It Go!"

Okay, I will admit it. Some people say I am "a little" on the over-protective and structured side. I think some of it comes from only having 2 kids when I wanted 4 or 5 or 6...... Maybe it stems from my desire to always be "good," but, to be honest, I didn't think it was that bad until I found another patient here who I adored instantly and relate to a lot. She has a boy and a girl in the same order as me and are similar in personalities -- just a little older now. Other than the fact that she is about 85 lbs right now, we are a lot alike. And, today, she told me to learn to "let it go."

I guess this is a theme for me right now. Last week a dr I am starting to work with along with Dr. Lodi told me very much the same thing; he said that I need some mind work (am I psycho?) to figure why I think I have to be so busy trying to do stuff all the time to be a good mom. Rick told me that he doesn't care if I am a vegetable, he still wants me around. Caleb just wants me to play with him and Emma just wants snuggles and piano lessons. And I am trying to figure all that out.

A month ago when I started having pain, I found myself not fixing dinner (and not caring what my family ate for dinner) for the first time since I had kids. I found myself leaving whatever dishes didn't fit in the dishwasher in the sink for the first time in my entire life. The kids have watched tv at times when it wasn't Friday. I have not given in to the xbox on a day other than Friday, yet, but we'll see...... And you know what? The world did not end when I woke up to dishes. I always thought I would feel "behind" to begin the day with dirty dishes. You know what? Since I am a morning person, sometimes I have more energy at 6:30am to do dishes than at 6:00pm when a dirty pan may have put me in a puddle of tears with the energy it took to clean it when I was soooo very tired. I have also learned that if my kids and husband do the dishes, I no longer care how the silverware goes in. Caleb is learning to do his own laundry -- and the only thing I make him sort out is his white church shirt. When the kids fold their own clothes, I don't care how it is folded -- I am just happy that they are the ones doing it.

So, in my struggle to "let it go", how far do I go? Such a silly dilemma. But here is what my new friend pointed out to me today -- she asked me:

"Have you noticed the 'healthy' moms? They are the ones who just seem to us over-protective moms like they don't care. Their kids run around doing whatever, the houses aren't always clean, but everyone is always happy. The moms have their projects and don't seem run by a schedule. They fix dinner when they feel like it and don't worry about how healthy it is (okay I don't know if I can COMPLETELY let go of that one, though)."

Such a silly blog post, but this has really been a dilemma for me lately. I want to be around long-term and that means I need to learn to let a lot of things go....... Maybe I am afraid I will go the opposite extreme. And what is that?????????

I could use some advice and help on this one.

Monday, June 22, 2009

We Are a Happy Family

Yay! Back together as a family! I wish I had pictures of everything from the last week. A BIG thank you to all of our friends. We are amazed and in awe and feel overwhelmed with love.

I heard from several people that Steve Palmer is a force to be reckoned with when it comes to moving. And, we weren't sure it was all going to fit, but Steve did it. I bet he is good at puzzles, too!

Rick said we needed a camera Saturday morning. He said there was an army of women who showed up and swept through the house. There were even little kids helping, he said. Wow! I hope everyone gets richly blessed for all they have done for us!

Here is a picture of the truck loaded (courtesy Katharine Bolliger for the pictures)...and thanks for lending her husband over Father's Day weekend (and to Mark for giving up his Father's Day weekend) to help with the drive over.

Trying to get the truck to close after finding a few "randoms" after the truck was loaded. Don't you HATE the "randoms" when you move? Kristi, I feel that there is blog possibilities on that subject -- you would do it justice!

This is when they figured out that the brake lights weren't working. A trip to U-Haul (and a 2nd and 3rd time for various problems) -- thank goodness they didn't make him unload the truck for a new one.

Anyway, Rick and Mark made it safely and we are trying to get settled, figuring out what goes in storage and what we absolutely cannot live without for a month or two.
Thank you everyone for the loves. We love you all!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Well, you can see that our kitchen is cleaned out.....thanks to this lovely lady. There were several people who came to help us. I am so grateful: so many loves when I was emotionally not coping!!!!

I am feeling spunkier the last few days. I don't know if it is from finally just DOING what needed to be done or what, but I am feeling much more hope.

My first chemo treatment (well the first one AGAIN) was yesterday and went really well. I only had a little trouble balancing my blood sugar afterwards and then felt fine later. Just a little tired. Of course, I got almost no sleep from the steroids and am still feeling a bit "perked up" today and am hoping I can sleep tonight. Between the steroid shot and Dobby trying to get used to a new house, I ended up with about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Dobby is sleeping in his crate in the shed tonight if he doesn't behave. ;)

I have another chemo treatment tomorrow and hope it goes well, too. After my Vitamin C treatment today, I felt fine, too, which is exciting since they made me so horribly horribly sick last year. I had forgotten how THIRSTY it makes me, though. I think I have 3 gallons of water in me. At least I won't get dehydrated.

Rick is busy packing the rest of our stuff and trying to get to us as soon as possible. At least we can see an end in sight this time -- of our family being separated.

There is NO WAY we could have done this without all the help of our wonderful friends and family! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! I believe in Angels!

Tonight I was reading in an old Friend magazine to Caleb and Emma and saw this quote, "As a result of the many miracles in our lives, we should be more humble and more grateful, more kind and more believing." -- President Howard W. Hunter

We have had more miracles than I can count -- a good reminder to me to be more what I should be. Thank you to all those people who are part of our miracles! We love you!

Thursday, June 11, 2009


Regression is a theme in our house this week.

1. Dobby has had 3 accidents in 2 days -- after no accidents in 6 months!

2. We are packing again -- does that count? It feels like we are regressing as we go through old already-packed boxes and start packing all over again. (What does NOT feel like regression is the exhilarating feeling of 4 loaded-down-car trips to Goodwill, with more to come)

3. Sadly, I have regressed. This has been a tough, tough week for our family. A few weeks ago, I was in pain again. It came on suddenly and would get better and worse and then just worse. Yesterday we had it confirmed that the cancer is back with several new tumors in the abdomenal area (retriperitoneal (sp) and peritoneal cavities for anyone that gets that). We are looking for a good oncological surgeon who knows what he is doing in this arena and then I want to go back to my oncologist in AZ. We are figuring all of that out for now. The good news in all of this (if there can be any good news) is that none of the tumors are in organs. We are hoping they are all operable, although it will be an extremely invasive and painful surgery. I do not look forward to more of the drugs. I was NOT a good druggie last summer!

I am a fighter; not a quitter. And I know the Lord is ever-mindful of our family. I am so thankful for all the prayers, fasting, support, encouragment, blessings, watching of kids for appointments at the last minute, dinners, etc. We didn't want Rick to get laid off, but I am so grateful that he has been here the last few days. He has been a rock for me. We have cried together and talked about things that he has been scared to talk about before. We have been surrounded by angels on both sides of the veil the last few days.

So... one more way of regression: I guess I am back to posting about more than just normal life and mom-stuff. I hate blogging about cancer! *sigh*

here are some words to a song that has always resonated for me. I only know this song by this musician. It isn't her voice, or just the words, there is just "something" about it:

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

And all I know is that love is saving my days. The love of my extended family, the love of friends, the love of my kids, the love of my husband, and the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

Now, I do know that the Lord is strengthening me and my family, but I need to learn to be more cheerful about it AND more patient! Cheerfulness might save all the make-up I have gone through in the past 2 days. :)