Let the Sun Shine In

Fall in Full Swing

2010-11-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

Fall is finally here in Arizona! It has been an unseasonably hot fall and we are grateful for cooler weather.

With our fall has come lots of fun activities:

Halloween: We had one Navy Seal

And one Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz

LaCrosse is providing good exercise (Caleb is the one in the Red Helmet):

Emma is trying synchronized swimming and is busy doing project after project and riding her bike:

We have been having fun with Scouts, Activity Days, school, piano, sports, and not having fun with homework.

We are excited for the holidays coming up. We love Thanksgiving and Christmas around this house! Caleb is making the Pumpkin Pies for Thanksgiving dinner again this year and we are looking forward to time as a family.

Sending out all calls to voters!!!!!!

2010-10-26T06:51:00.000-07:00

This is for NO political party. This is for MY SISTER!!!! She just had a mastectomy yesterday for breast cancer. They made this video for a contest for early dectection of breast cancer. So, anyone who votes for her would be greatly appreciated. I adore her and miss her and worry about her! She is amazing!

http://www.thejensenseven.blogspot.com/

Thanks!!!!!!!!

Playing Catch-up!!!

2010-10-26T06:43:00.001-07:00

I have had numerous people comment that they are worried because I haven't posted in -ack- five months!!! Where has the time gone?

THIS time, no news has been GOOD news. That is my excuse for not posting.

Last May, just as school got out, I was starting to feel better and while, I didn't have much energy, what I had was NOT spent on the computer. In fact, that is one reason I have not blogged -- I am rarely on the computer these days. I have tooo much to do. SUCH a nice feeling!

So......our summer was spent with swim team:

Friends, family and family fun:

We all did a little travelling:

Rick and I even did some camping and hiking: sadly, I don't have pictures to prove I did this. :) I forgot to bring the camera to Girl's Camp, but I promise I DID go and I DID hike. I have witnesses of what a sloppy sweaty mess I was -- but I was there. :) And, I have been asked to go next year. I have until Memorial Day weekend to try to be in better shape to do the hike next year. whew! It really was the hardest physical thing I think I have ever done, but I did it and I can do it again!

Rick loved his High Adventure!!!! They went up into the High Uintas hiking (and fishing). He was in heaven -- cool crisp weather, big blue skies over high rocky mountains, roughing it.

We had less than a week after Girl's Camp to get ready for school. I thought at that point that I would have so much extra time for: blogging, sewing, crafts, friends, Family History, reading. I am laughing while I right this. Where do the hours in the day go????? I am still baffled by this.

September came rushing through soon after school started, which means birthday time at our house. And this year was another big birthday year!

Emma's birthday was a fun day. The night before, she had gone out to dinner and had a pedi/mani with Grandma and then spent the night at Grandma's house. So, she started her birthday spoiled rotten and it didn't stop there. She got a new bike for her birthday and is still adjusting to the hand brakes. She also got a new dress and a few other baubles (like sunglasses from Caleb).

Two days before Caleb's birthday we had had a party for him and a bunch of friends (this is one reason Emma got to spend the night with Grandma). It was a Nerf gun Capture the Flag party. They played, ate, played, ate, opened presents, played video games, then back to Nerf wars. It was loud and crazy and a lot of fun!

Then came Caleb's big day. For three years now, he has known his 12th birthday would be on a Sunday. So he has been asking for 3 years if he could be ordained to the Aaronic Priesthood on the same day. What a thing to ask for! Our Bishop was happy to fulfill that wish. :) Caleb was so happy that day. He got up early that morning and went to a Stake Priesthood Meeting with Rick and when he came walking out of his bedroom in his new suit, he looked very big and tall and handsome. I did NOT give him permission to grow up so fast. I am happy that he is happy about receiving the Priesthood. We are so blessed! And he is so loved -- we are blessed in that, too. It was beautiful to see his Dad place his hands on his head, to have uncles there to help whom he looks up to and adores, to feel the Spirit as it came to rest upon Caleb in his new responsibilities.

I wish everyone had been there to watch him walk up to the stand when the Bishop called him up. He was adjusting his collar and tie and trying to look so grown up and tall! I wish every Primary teacher who ever despaired of him EVER being reverent could see him pass the sacrament. He takes it so seriously and looks forward to it every week. He does a fine job!

Because Rick is so tall, you can't REALLY see how much Caleb has grown until you see him by my Mom and by me:

So, now that I am caught up, I will try to do better at keeping up.

I think most people know by now, but I am not showing any cancerous "activity" at this moment on tests. It is the first time in 9 years!!!!! The masses in my abdomen are still showing up, though they are much much smaller, but they are just "junk" now that needs to be gotten rid of. So, I am still doing a low-dose chemo treatment every 3-4 weeks and am also working with another doctor who has run more tests and is getting down to the root of why I got cancer in the first place and how I can prevent getting it again (we hope, we hope, we hope). He is doing a bunch of stuff with my hormones, after testing me and seeing that I am not make even trace amounts of progesterone, way way way way way (his words) too much of one of the estrogens and not any cortisol. I am starting to take bio-identical hormones and I am starting to have more energy every day. I am very hopeful!

My prayers and thoughts have been with my sister Rebecca who just had surgery yesterday for breast cancer. They caught it early, she loves her Dr. and I have been inspired by her attitude and her bravery! I am grateful my wonderful sister Deborah is now only 10 minutes from her!

Still Hopping Along -- for a while longer

2010-05-31T10:04:00.002-07:00

I finally had my counts high enough to start chemo again 2 weeks ago. After the first round of chemo, my counts went down below 4 again; but not so bad that it stopped the Dr. from doing chemo again this week. So.... we'll see what happens when I get my blood test this week. Hopefully, they haven't fallen any more.

I was on a temporary high this week after seeing a show where it looked like a guy had a total hip disarticulation (like me) and had a prothestic that allowed him to ride a bike, run, and walk almost normally. He was an avid biker and had a very active life-style. I was so excited! I had been told two years ago that most people in my situation reject/refuse prothestics, if they even try them, because they are terrible. There isn't enough hip muscle left and no joint to move a prothestic comfortably and it is hard to sit, get onto and off the floor, walk, go up stairs, etc. Most people in my situation just do what I do: crutches, wheelchairs, walkers. After seeing this, though, I was so excited! Well, I was wrong -- after watching the show again, I saw that his amputation was just above the knee and he had enough of a stump for the whole works. And, after doing a little more research and talking to some drs., I heard the same thing I heard 2 years ago. I was sitting at my desk, when I hung up for the last time and started to cry. It was a pretty rough moment. I know I am allowed to be sad and mourn over this; it just doesn't solve anything.

While I was trying to get myself together so I wouldn't worry Caleb and Emma, I looked up over my desk to the above picture. It is one of my favorites. We have it in a beautiful frame and it has come to mean a lot to me. As I looked at it I had such comfort! Because of the Savior, I will not go through eternity with crutches, wheelchairs or walkers. When I am resurrected, I will step out with two legs and it will be such a happy moment, I am sure I will laugh and dance and sing. At that moment I was grateful for the Gift of the Holy Ghost to comfort and remind me of my Savior and what He has done for me.

So, for anyone that thinks I don't have moments of self-pity, I do! I am truly grateful to be alive and to be blessed in so many many ways each day! At the same time, there is so much I want to do and I wonder how to accomplish it. I truly believe the Lord will not ask anything of me, "save he shall prepare a way" for me to accomplish it (like being asked to go on the 4th year hike for Girls Camp? -- that will be interesting).

Excited for summer.........so glad to have my kids home! It has been a nice few days! I am afraid summer will fly by too quickly and then school will start again. I thought I loved the toddler stages the best, but the older my kids get, the more I find to love in each stage.

Whoo hoo!!!

2010-05-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

Definitely happy today! My counts are officially above 3 -- Barely. They are at 3.1. But, hey, it is over 3. So... not good enough for the dr. to start chemo again this week, but good enough I can take my mask off (at home), good enough to hold the puppy, and sooooo glad to be able to sleep without it!!!!!! When I picked Dobby up for the first time (in over a month) he wagged so hard he almost fell out of my arms. What kept him in was that he was trying to lick me all over my face (I really really hate being licked, but I could relate to his feeling of joy). Isn't it nice that dogs are so forgiving? Emma is back to being a little more open with me. She really felt like the mask was a barrier to her Mommy, poor thing. She told me today, that she really hated it. She never told me that when I was wearing it, but I could tell. Isn't it great that kids are so forgiving? What great lessons we can learn from both -- kids and dogs.

So.....Church on Sunday? It's looking good! Can't wait! So excited!

Getting ready to hold up a bank

2010-05-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, well, I am still on "house arrest", as my white blood cell count has STILL not gotten over 3.0. And, at first, it was absolutely marvelous to have an excuse to not have treatments. I thought it would be a week or so and back to the schedule we would go. I am at three weeks now of looking like I am going to rob a bank. At first, it was just annoying......who wants to wake up to their own morning breath? A little inconvenient to wear the dumb mask. I have to admit, now, I am seriously having a bad attitude! Here is me on my birthday-- at least the mask helps to hide some of the wrinkles of turning 40. Except, I am actually proud to be 40. And the gray hair I am now sporting???? Well, at least there is still some hair there. If you look really closely, you will see how thin it is......By June I may need a wig at the rate it is falling out. Nice to not have to fix my hair, but a wig in AZ in the summer, doesn't sound super appealing.

So, here is where my bad attitude took me. On Monday, I found out that my WBC count was finally over 2, so on Tuesday, we took the kids down to go through the Gila Valley Temple Open House. They both had coughs, so I made them wear a mask, too, while we were in the car. But, I guess they are effective. I haven't gotten a cough at all -- which could have been scary. I took off the mask for the picture here -- I just couldn't stand taking a picture in front of the temple with a mask on.

Am I sorry? Not a speck! It was a wonderful experience for all of us. When we got to the end, Emma said, "I don't EVER want to leave!" Caleb is getting anxious to go to the temple to do baptisms -- just a few months away.

I am the biggest boob ever -- I couln't stop crying. I am truly grateful for temples. I don't like to think about not living until old age (they said I wouldn't make it 5 years and look -- we are at 9), but to know that the bonds I have with my family will not end with this life is my biggest comfort.

So, enjoy seeing the picture of me enjoying my rebelliousness. Other than that, I have been a pretty good girl about not going places and about wearing my mask. I am feeling so much better, though, after 3 weeks of no treatments, though, that I am getting antsy. This home-body actually wants to go somewhere. If this keeps up, hopefully, I will not only feel better, but will have energy to get some things done.

Reprieve

2010-04-16T17:29:00.000-07:00

Whew! Well, it took a bit of a mess, but I got a reprieve from radiation this week. I did go on Tuesday, before I got told to stop, but that is it.

My white blood count dropped to 1.3 (1300) this week -- anything below 3000 is danger-level. And I wasn't responding to some quick treatments to bring it up. I guess after a couple of weeks of not keeping down food or water, my immune system screamed help. So.....my Dr. said, "No more radiation or chemo until we can get it back up." I am NOT broken-hearted. I want to be done with radiation, but I may not be. When I get a little more stabilized, we will see where we are at and determine at that point if I still need the radiation, or if I can get the results I want with just the chemo. Cross your fingers for me that I won't need anymore radiation.

The good news is that with this reprieve, I have only thrown up a few times this week and I am starting to eat occasionally. Sometimes it even tastes good. Hopefully, all of that will continue. For food to not sound good to ME? Well, that is new.

I have had a much better week. I hate the mask I have to wear and I am not allowed to go to Church for a while, but today I drove to get the kids from school (the first time in about 3 weeks I have driven anywhere) and I did laundry today. I cried doing the laundry........so grateful to be feeling up to doing laundry. Isn't that funny? But, as I folded my families clothes I was incredibly grateful for the people who wear them and bless my life each day.

I Know that Sunday WILL Come

2010-04-05T19:55:00.001-07:00

I apologize for being redundant, but I just HAD to post this again on my blog. In preparing for a Family Home Evening Lesson tonight, I was feeling lazy. I wanted something meaningful, but not something that would take a long time to prepare. I spent all day at the Dr's office again today getting rehydrated. I know the talks were great in General Conference, but this was one conference I will get the most out of by reading the Ensign, as I spent most of the weekend sleeping or throwing up.

Anyway, I remembered this YouTube clip I had posted last summer and as I watched it I cried and cried. This last "Friday" for me has felt long and hard -- too hard. At times I have wondered if I would come out of it or if it was worth it to keep fightting and hoping for Sunday.

So this clip and the Finding Faith in Christ DVD with a testimony meeting was our lesson. Maybe it is "lazy" prep, but it was sweet.

Sunday will come. Sunday will come. Sunday does come. I know the Savior lives. I know He loves me. "I stand all amazed" at the grace given me each day. At the beginning of so many days lately, the hours loom ahead and I wonder, "Can I really make it through this day?" At the close of each day, I am so grateful for the people and things the Savior has blessed me with. I am truly strengthened by angels each day. Here on the earth and those on the other side whose presence is very real.

I am grateful for beautiful music. That is one of the things I did hear in General Conference this weekend. Each song was for me -- sorry for any of you who think otherwise. ;) When the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang, How Firm a Foundation, tears started immediately. And, that last verse - so long a favorite - holds a dear promise for me:
"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I cannot, I will not, desert to his foes,
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake."

And, tonight, since it was Caleb's turn to pick the opening song in FHE, we sang it again (that is what he always picks -- so we sing it at least once a month in FHE).

The sad truth is, now that I am pumped full of anti-nausea and pain meds and vitamins and minerals, I do have more hope than I had this weekend. I need to learn how to have hope without those things, but they SURE DO make it easier.

On the Dark Side

2010-03-29T20:28:00.001-07:00

Okay, I know it looks like I am headed off for some inter-galactic space mission. But, I am not being loaded into a space shuttle in this picture. That would be MUCH cooler. It also may look like I am set to take a little siesta: just kicked back, relaxed and ready to snooze. That is not what is going on here, either.

This next picture gives a better view of the real story:

And, I may look like I am smiling; but it is only for the camera. Meet Tomo -- that is what I call this lovely machine that has become my arch-enemy in the last week. Meet the machine that I am supposed to be grateful for, but am really trying to decide if it is a blessing or a curse.

Tomo is mean. Tomo looks harmless. Tomo looks kind of cool and space-agey. Tomo seems friendly as I get to interact with Tomo while laying on a pillow and have my leg propped up comfortably. There are even kind, compassionate, adorable people who push the buttons on Tomo to make him come to life. But, as soon as these lovely people leave the room and Tomo comes to life, the REAL Tomo appears. This is the Tomo that makes a clicking noise that makes you think of a sprinkler and a broken record stuck on the same pitch. But that is not the worst of it. Tomo even gets your stomach on his side. So by the time you are finished, your stomach is a mass of twisted, churning gunk and your equilibrium decides to take a vacation. By the time you get home (a short 25 minutes later) you are so violently ill that even water is a detestable sight. And, getting things to stay in that stomach that is now on Tomo's side? Impossible! Water, soup, salad, juice, fruit -- Tomo is no respecter of food. All of it has gone to the enemy's side. Or, maybe it is not the fault of the food. Maybe my taste-buds have gone to the dark side.

I have decided that I HATE radiation. This is supposed to be the "easy"-er kind. This is supposed to be the kind of radiation that targets the tumors only and doesn't get any healthy tissue (or very little), allowing for a major reduction of all or most side effects. Maybe I should be grateful --- maybe this IS good for radiation. Just think. It only took 6-7 hours at the Dr.'s on Friday to get re-hydrated and re-mineralized. Maybe that is good for most people.

Maybe I have something to look forward to in all of this: maybe I will get super skinny and be able to fit back into all those old clothes.

Hopefully, we can get this wrinkled out soon. In the meantime, I am trying to look at the good side of Tomo -- what is that? It does LOOK cool and since I have to see Tomo 5 days/week, by the end, I am determined to come out on top and TAME that beast!

Spatchcock Link

2010-03-12T09:07:00.002-07:00

It is not a bad word, I promise............ :)

Check it out!
Simply Scrumptious

Here is the unveiling to a new blog I have been wanting to start (just for fun) on fast, yummy, cheap, (and hopefully -- MOSTLY) healthy meals. I welcome suggestions.

Can March Showers Bring April Flowers?

2010-03-10T13:58:00.018-07:00

I know how the rhyme goes, "April showers brings May flowers", but we have had plenty of rain here lately and are ready for some flowers sooner than May. As grateful as we are for the rain, it has felt a bit like living in Seattle lately. Today, though, as I sit on the couch with the sliding glass door open, listening to the birds sing in the leafy tree tops, I am grateful for the sunshine that is here today. We need both rain and sunshine to help us grow. Our family has been reminded of this lately.

One reason that I have not been good at keeping up the blog the last few months is that I really haven't wanted to complain. The cancer is growing again and we are in a pretty rough patch at the moment. We were so thankful last week when the PET/CT scan showed no spreading of the cancer, but the 2 tumors we have been fighting since last summer are each 20 cm. I have been in an incredible amount of pain on an almost daily basis and I have worried about how tough it would be on my kids go through this again - or still.

I am impressed, grateful and humbled by my children's and husband's courage and compassion through all of this. They treat me like a "normal" mom, while yet watching out for me constantly. Caleb is always there, not just willing to do what I ask, but jumping in and saying, "Mom, let me do that." Emma is there with chatter to talk about her day, tell me about her book or just to be sunshine for us. Rick has taken time off work, fixed dinners, shopped, cleaned, done laundry, run errands, slept on the other couch by me when I was in too much pain to sleep in the bed, and has made such an effort to be cheerful and playful with the kids when I know he has been worried sick at times.

There have been too many moments in the last few weeks when I have cried, feeling completely inadequate as a mom and wife and person. This is not the life I wanted. I wanted to be the one to serve and help, not the one to be served. Serving is such a part of our testimony of and love for the Savior. I kept thinking that I don't know of any scriptures that say, "It is blessed to BE served."

Then, Caleb did some planting. I love watching plants grow. There is something about gardening (vegetable gardening) that just makes me so happy. And Caleb loves it, too. Thank goodness, because we wouldn't have anything growing this year if it wasn't for him. Anyway, we have some plants growing; tiny little seedlings poking their heads up through the dirt. And, I had an "a-ha" moment. Plants need water/rain and sunshine. They will not grow without it. They cannot give it to themselves. They cannot weed themselves. They cannot even plant themselves. We must take care of these little plants by giving them what they need so they will grow and "fill the measure of their creation." Seeds must fight to break open and to push upward through the dirt to the light. Lately, we have gotten more rain than I ever expected living in Arizona. I am sure some of these little baby plants wanted to scream, "Enough! I have had enough rain! I don't need that much. I don't need any more! I can grow now with what I've gotten! Make it stop!" But, when the sun came out, they felt warmed and refreshed.

I am not saying that Heavenly Father "sent" the rain into my life. I do not believe it. We live in a very mortal world where bad things happen. Sometimes bad things happen because of choices we make and they are consequences. Sometimes bad things just happen. But, we DO need that rain. We cannot grow and become stronger without it. We cannot have only sunshine. We cannot have only rain. We want to be like the Savior; we want to live with Him someday and to be worthy of all He has for us. Yet, we don't want to sacrifice, be betrayed, be hurt, suffer, be humbled -- because it is hard! How would we learn persistence, determination, courage and FAITH without moments that challenge us? Without having a little "dirt" to fight through to get to the light? Without "rain" that comes?

When the sunshine has come - and it has and does continue to come -- I feel so warmed. I have such a great family, such wonderful supportive friends, and a Savior who continues to hold my hand so I can face the storms. He walks with me, teaches me and has taught me that, alone, I can do nothing; with Him, I can do all things that are asked of me. He gives me strength to handle and do more than I thought was possible.
A few weeks ago I was asked to introduce Brother Mark Mabry (Reflections of Christ) who was coming to speak to our stake Relief Society. (see link) As I listened to him speak that night I again was touched to realize that, even as little as I have to give, if I am willing to give it to the Lord to use, He will find a way to increase my offering. I still feel like what I have to give is a widow's mite compared to most others, so now I am learning to enjoy what others have to offer because it truly strengthens me. I have been way too self-centered!

Here is a link to a medley of songs I love and it describes so much of what carries me through each day. Hopefully, someday, my voice will feel like "mine" again after doing so much chemotherapy, but it was still a treat to sing this: arranged and played by Brent Jorgensen. Such a kind person (and talented)! I am grateful for the Savior and for the ultimate Service He gave and that we must learn to accept.

As far as the cancer goes, to answer questions:
1. I have a new Dr. I am working with whom I L-O-V-E so far. He is running tests that I think should have been done 2 years ago. He does the same chemo treatment, although, so far it has been easier to get through and they monitor me much better throughout the treatment. Fewer side effects and I am already noticing a difference after 2 treatments. He also does a few other things that I feel like may get to some of the root issues
2. Rick and I meet with a Radiation Oncologist tomorrow to discuss a new(ish) form of Radiation called TomoRadiation that is supposed to target tumors more specifically -- not just blast an area with high amounts of radiation. Hopefully, less side effects and it is supposed to be way more effective. We will see what we think.
3. It is great to have family here. We have been spoiled and are grateful. I am grateful that families are forever!
4. Our ward has been amazing. I miss Texas and all our friends (who we feel are family) in Round Rock, and I never thought to find that kind of support here, but here it is. We are constantly being told, "We are on stand-by."

Thanks for the sunshine you all give our family. We love you all!

Life is in the little things

2010-01-15T21:27:00.003-07:00

Our life hasn't been super exciting lately - just a bunch of little things.

1. Loads of Tender Mercies. Example: Caleb's LaCrosse league canceled their next season due to small numbers, but I found another league for him that is bigger, better organized and practice is 7 minutes away (instead of 25) - during the last few days of the new season registration. May not seem like a big deal, but we have been trying to find somethings active for him for years, and now that he has found something he loves we didn't want him to have to stop.

2. Back to the Grind. Treatments, Homework, Bills, Homework, Scouts, Homework, Activity Days, Homework, Dr. appts, Homework, Treatments, Homework, Parent/Teacher Conferences, Homework, Music, Homework, Bills, Homework, Cleaning the House, Homework, Treatments, Dr. appts, Etc. Etc. You get the idea.... Can you tell that I can't wait for the summer part to get rid of the homework?

3. New Year's Goals. Our Stake President challenged us to read the Book of Mormon this year. We are doing it as a family, but this is the first time everyone in the family is really old enough to do it on their own individually. What a joy to see our children grab a hold of this challenge and to see their confidence grow. Emma has come to me several times already asking about things, leading to some great discussions -- how FUN!

4. Realizations each day about how great our life is. We have been blessed with so much! I am constantly aware of how mindful the Lord is of me and our little family. There is so much joy to be had every day. This week my Sunday School lesson will be on the Creation. In preparing for it, I am truly thankful for this beautiful world and for our Heavenly Father giving us a Savior providing us a way to come back to Him. I am grateful for my amazing body! It has been through so much and it continues to work. I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who gives me breath each day. One of my 3 chemos got changed in December and the new one makes me incredibly miserable afterwards. I just seem to finally feel like I am not exhausted by 8am when it is time for another round. The last few months have been physically very very rough for me in how I feel. I truly am grateful to be here! This world, even with all the wickedness and sorrow is so good and there are so many wonderful people and there is so much to experience. I am grateful for the experiences I get to have.

Christmas -- priceless

2010-01-15T21:02:00.003-07:00

Christmas was fabulous. Our Christmas Day itself was quiet and wonderful. We didn't go anywhere, we were in our pajamas for most of the day and we enjoyed just being together. We had some amazing moments that had nothing to do with presents that were just pure joy. It all started because we had not gotten home early enough the night before to read the Christmas story from the Bible the way we usually do on Christmas Eve. Rick and I decided to put kids (and us) to bed and read the story in the morning. We may do this every year from now on. It was lovely. After the fun and laughter of stockings, we gathered by the tree and took turns reading different parts of the story. The kids each wanted to take a different part; I felt so fulfilled to see them so eager to share a part and to share their feelings and ask questions and give their insights.

Because I had just had chemo 3 days before and was feeling pretty cruddy, I had decided not to make cinnamon rolls for our Christmas breakfast this year; we were going to have big store-bought muffins instead. It is the only time I make cinnamon rolls during the year and they are big, fat, gooey, amazing and completely unhealthy, so the kids were bummed, but very understanding. Aunt Amanda surprised us with a big pan of them on Christmas Eve (very sneaky to ask if I had a good recipe since she didn't have any of her cookbooks here and wanted to make some for Christmas morning for HER family) -- I was so touched! I know that that particular recipe isn't the most economical time-wise or ingredient-wise. Anyway, we had put them in the oven before our story and they weren't done yet so we had time to wait.

We decided to sit in a circle and go around and tell each other why we loved each other. I will not say what everyone said as it is so personal, but I will tell you this: 11-year-old boys can surprise you at times with their sensitivity. Caleb's comment was probably the best Christmas present I received that day. I will never ever forget it.

Then, Rick and I were in the other room talking and we heard the best thing ever. I am sorry not to have pictures on here -- I haven't downloaded them yet -- but it was such a present. Caleb had gotten out his french horn and he and Emma were playing a duet of Jingle Bells. Emma was on the piano. Rick and I melted! To see them think of that on their own and have such fun doing it together was a great memory! After they put up with pictures and videotaping, they made me get my flute out and join them.

Our morning was a MasterCard commercial -- definitely priceless!!!!

Elementary Band parents

2009-12-04T20:10:00.004-07:00

Last night I went to my first ever Elementary School Band Concert. I never was in band in elementary school and my perspective would have been different anyway.

Well, what an experience!!!! I was in band in Jr. High and High School and I never ever heard that kind of enthusiasm in the audience! As soon as the students came walking onto the stage, there were 30 parents up there, front and center, snapping pictures of their child with their instrument. And I knew how they felt (I made Rick go up and take a picture of Caleb sitting there with his French Horn).

The 5th Grade Beginning Band started out the program and when they finished their first song, the applause was deafening. And, when they had finished their 5th and final song (Jingle Bells), and stood up, there was whistling, cheering, and so much applause, you would have thought you were at a Taylor Swift concert.

I get it, though. You see, I am an Elementary Band Parent. In the fullest degree. :) After listening to the practicing (reminding that practice does not mean going around the house and blowing noises in the mouthpiece in people's ears) and going to the music store for several books and helping to remember which days to bring the French Horn to school, going back home on the days we forgot to get the French Horn, I am so proud of Caleb and all he has accomplished. I don't want him to quit. So I will clap and cheer with everyone else. Seeing Caleb's smile (trying not to smile like it is any big deal when I know it is to him), was a happy feeling.

I was happy to hear him after the concert. "Mom, did you hear the 6th Graders? I can't wait to play those songs!"

Really, I think anyone would have been impressed. You could even tell what every song was.

Christmas Letter

2009-11-29T09:38:00.002-07:00

I have Googled "Christmas letters", "Creative Christmas letters", "Cute Christmas letters", and have been sitting at my computer for 2 hours just trying to get something written. Here is my dilemma:

1. In all our craziness last fall, I never sent out Christmas cards. So, the people who only hear from me once a year through cards don't know about my struggle with cancer (because I refused to put it in any of the previous years' cards since it sounds so depressing), losing my leg, us moving, all of our life's happenings, etc.

2. The people who are close to me, vicinity-wise and emotionally, already know what is going on, so putting it in a card this year is just redundant for them. Blah, blah, blah. And I don't believe in sending out different cards for different people. They are all the same, they go in the envelope and they get addressed and go.......

3. We have moved, so if I don't send cards, I won't get any. ;) And I really, really like getting them. Our mail forwarding from our old address has now expired and I would like to see how my old friends are doing.

So if I decide to be redundant, I am sorry to all of you out there. If I am not redundant, well, I guess, the people who don't hear from me won't know. And, if I can't decide, well, maybe Christmas letters will be a tradition I discontinue (but I am so old-fashioned, I can't see that happening for too many years).

I feel like I have been so blessed, I should take every opportunity to share that with others-maybe especially those who only hear from me once each year. At the same time, I am trying so hard to not make myself crazy this year. Usually, by Christmas Day, I am worn out from all I am trying to accomplish. I wanted this year to be more relaxing (maybe because I am realistic about how I feel after doing chemo). I wanted to just snuggle with my kids, make cookies with them, read the stories, sing the songs, and speak of the Savior and why He is the Greatest Gift of all.

Whatever happens,
Merry Christmas!

There's No Place Like Home

2009-11-12T13:26:00.008-07:00

I want to be in love with the place I live. Everywhere we have lived I have tried to find something about that place that makes it the best at that moment. Yet, doing that in this move to Arizona has been tough for me. I told myself over and over in the summer "You can be happy anywhere" and, while I knew that is true, it seemed like I was also hearing "blah blah blah" behind that thought. I was happy, I am happy, I just wanted to feel like this is home - a place I could happily stay as we don't want to keep moving, especially as our kids get older.

I will always miss the Hill Country of Texas. I will always think a little longingly of the beauty of the place and the people I miss and just the "Texas"-ness of it all. It is an amazing place and one that will always hold a piece of my heart.

I don't know exactly what changed (or when) in my heart, but I have come to know that I have found a place to "put my home." I think, for me, home has become a state of being more than a location on a map. As long as I am seeing my kids grow and thrive, as long as I can serve, as long as I am around people I love, I can be "home." My kids are happy and thriving, there are always opportunities to serve and we can find love where ever we choose. So here I am. And, truly there is no place like home.

The Newest Princess in the Kingdom of God

2009-10-16T16:36:00.011-07:00

SUCH a special day for our little girl! October 10, 2009, Emma Catherine Davies was baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She was so nervous, partially because she didn't want to have to do it twice and partially because she really hates to have "everyone" looking at her. But she sailed through. Here she is in front of the font before the baptism. She was very cooperative of a Mom who couldn't get enough pictures.

The picture below shows a glimpse of the relationship between Emma and her Dad. I know people think I am stubborn, but I am NOTHING compared to these two. When they are at odds -- get out of the room. :)

Side note about the dresses. When Rick found out I was making TWO dresses (one to be baptized in with bloomers underneath) and one "pretty" one for after, he complained about it. I told him he was getting off easy. I already had the material for both, so it would actually save him money. Besides, I told him. I only got to have one girl, so if I had wanted her to have 5 dresses, it should be okay. I very very rarely go overboard on girly stuff. He was also worried it would be too much for me, as I was making them while I was in pain earlier this summer, but it actually kept me sitting down more and still made me feel like I was being productive.

The "pretty" dress holds special meaning for me. It is made from material left-over from my wedding dress. Her baby blessing dress is also made from this material. I asked Emma about it before sewing it and she was really excited. She chose it over pictures of other "floofy" dresses. After she had been to a baptism in September where 2 of her friends were baptized, both with "floofy" dresses, I was worried that she would want a different dress. Here is what she said, "My dress is even more special, because my Mom made it." Okay, if that didn't make me feel good......

The above picture is right after she was baptized and changed. She is still wet and freezing as the water was cold. We could not get her warmed up for several hours. Doesn't she look "perfect"? She is so happy here. I love the smiles of the newly baptized! It is my favorite part.

The picture below I just could not help including. She looks so elegant and regal. Emma is all girl in many ways, yet most of the time you will find her digging in the dirt, playing with rocks, hair flying every which way (even if it was only brushed 5 minutes before) and generally looking like no one loves her. I know that soon enough she will worry more about which lip gloss to use, but for now, I will take the little girl who climbs trees and isn't worried about what others think of her. I love her love for life and am grateful for her cooperation of all the pictures I wanted in her pretty dress and with her hair done (which she patiently allowed me to do - even though she hates hates hates hairspray).

In front of the Mesa Temple.

Caleb asked, "Why are you getting so many pictures of Emma?", but when I asked for some of him, we got very few that are presentable. He just won't cooperate, the little stinker. Here is one tolerable one. I tried to get some of him alone and some of him with Emma -- to no avail. Well, none that I will post, anyway. In this picture, we are joking that we are supposed to look like we are happy and loving each other, when in reality we were all done with each other by this point. :) The joy of family pictures.

All in all, it was a very special day (and the day after). Emma has very good memories and can't wait to wear her pretty dress again.

Alive and Kicking

2009-09-01T15:25:00.019-07:00

So, okay, I have had several people mention that it has been a long time......... We are still here. To be honest, it has been an incredibly rough month for me. I have been sick, tired and sick of being sick and tired. But I am going down to 1 chemo treatment each week now, so, hopefully, I can get some energy back. The library and I have become good friends as it is right around the corner from my Dr.'s office. Also, I am sleeping better, so that helps, too. So, I have not been on the computer much at all, unless it is for something quick.

But life has not slowed down for us and here is a list of pictures -- highlights from the last month. This month we have:
learned new tricks. Dobby learned that after babies eat at Grandma's house there are nibbles to be found.

We swam - a lot! Thanks to Uncle Spencer and Aunt Karson for letting us come over - whenever!

Emma learned to sew with Grandma. She LOVED it! And her seams were straighter than mine were until I was in high school!

We played with cousins -- pretty much all day every day.

LOTS of playing with cousins.

Two girls named Anna. I happen to think the one in pink is pretty darn beautiful - inside and out!

We got to spend time kissing babies -- though not nearly enough.

We camped in the mountains -- so nice to be cold at night! Rick and Polly and Ken did all the work. I just sat there and was lazy!

First day of school -- August 12th -- way too early for me. The kids are happy, though, and love their school. Caleb is learning the French Horn (his tone is pretty darn good for the first week). I will post more on this later.

We are ALMOST to our Webelos and Arrow of light. He has 3 more weeks. Not cutting it close or anything.

We celebrated Rick's birthday. Below is the RAW cheesecake he requested for his "cake". Yes, it is not a typo -- it is a raw cheesecake, and very very delicious! Rick tasted the little piece of one I got from Whole Foods and requested it. It was a hit. The kids loved it, too. Just goes to show that raw does not always mean green. :)

I am also going to start a new blog or two on something other than our family. This month our family is working on going gluten-free (well, mostly Caleb, since I already am and Rick hasn't quite been able to "commit" and Emma doesn't care about bread much anyway - other than pasta) and dairy-free. It is such a challenge! Like I don't have enough on my plate. But we desperately need to figure out a few things, so here we go...... I will share some of what I am learning on another blog. I will link to it when I get it up. Cooking gluten-free is such an adventure. An adventure I should have documented with pictures last week when I tried a new bread recipe that looked soooooo beautiful out of the oven, I almost cried. Then I did cry when 10 minutes later it was literally flat as a pancake. My Mom and I were laughing so hard, I was crying. If it hadn't been so funny, I would have been so sad. Caleb is already feeling better without wheat, though, after eating a little wheat over the weekend, his stomach has been a wreck for the last few days. *sigh*

Anyway, we have much to be grateful for and are looking for ways to learn to love living in Mesa. It will come, I am sure. Being close to the temple and to family top all of our lists right now. What a treat to leave at 2:55 and make it to the 3:30 session or to take the kids to the Visitors Center for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir exhibit and to the grounds for FHE. Emma loves seeing brides there and got brave enough to go talk to one. The bride was so sweet and emphasized to Emma how happy she was that she got married in the temple. Best lesson for FHE of all. :) We love playing with cousins and Grandma and having family take care of us. I am grateful for sisters and sisters-in-law and a mom who look out for me.

Another PET scan

2009-07-25T20:02:00.005-07:00

Okay, so the good news first: I had a PET scan on Monday of last week and got the results on Thursday. GOOD news! Everything is shrinking. At a pretty quick rate. If this keeps up, there will be NO need for surgery! Hurrah!!!!

And I said, good news first, like there was bad news. There is no bad news, so that is good news, too! I have continued to ride the roller coaster of good days, bad days but I guess that is to be expected. It is frustrating not to be able to plan anything ahead of time because we aren't sure how I am going to be feeling, so we are grateful to see good results and know that this is all working and accomplishing what we want.

Overall, it has been a good month for our family. The kids have had lots of fun with cousins as the pictures below show. And, this weekend, to celebrate my good results and because Rick starts work on Monday morning, we drove over to San Diego spur of the moment to spend a day at the beach. Thanks to Jon and Megan for letting us just come jump on their weekend. We had a great day at the beach! I hope to get some pictures up from the beach at some point. But, it was a glorious, beautiful day. The kids and Rick played on the beach and in the water all afternoon while I got sun-burned on the sand, watching them and reading -- just relaxing!

Rick, Caleb and Emma ready to watch the Sharks 3D movie at the Science Center.

Abby and Emma at the Science Center.

A group of cousins with us at the Science Center.

Jacob, Caleb and McKay doing Rock Band 2. It was noisy and fun.

The Grass is Always Greener

2009-07-07T20:12:00.012-07:00

Why is it that we want something other than what we have?

When we lived in Texas, we missed Trader Joes, but now that we are in Arizona, we want HEB back (okay we DID know we would miss it but, darn them for being so great!). When my sister sees dead deer on the side of the road, she says, “Why did you have to think the grass was greener on the other side? Why couldn’t you have just stayed where you are?” I say there are never enough hours in the day to get things done, but when I can’t sleep after a chemo treatment I get discouraged about not sleeping instead of using that time to be productive. My daughter has the body I always wanted (those LONG beautiful legs), but I stress about finding clothes that fit and are modest and cute for her ultra-thin body.

You get the idea.

Today, this cute cute body (in the above picture) that I love so much put on an apron and wanted to make herb rolls with me for dinner. I was thrilled. This little person is someone who pops over to visit several times a day from next door and I adore her! Today, she measured, stirred and mixed and then kneaded away until the dough was ready.

The ironic part: HER mom was making bread next door and she was not interested in helping her at all. MY kids were watching “Herbie: Fully Loaded” and weren’t interested in helping ME at all, but I am sure if they knew Aunt Karson was making bread next door, they would have thought it was fun to help her.

Regardless, fun, cute Gracie – I love her. I did NOT feel good after chemo today – this was a hard day. And she brought a little sunshine into my life.

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-05T15:14:00.009-07:00

Our Fourth of July celebration started waaaayyy too early. The ward had a breakfast/parade/flag ceremony that started at 7:00am. The kids got up at 6:00 to decorate their bikes, then off to the church to we went.

Here is a picture of Emma and her friend Maddy. It has been so nice for the kids to already know people here from last year. It has definitely made the transition a little easier.

Here is Caleb with two friends: Tyler and Josh.

Stopping in the "parade" long enough for me to get a picture.

Our patriotic puppy: mad because we wouldn't let him join the parade. He was thrilled with all the kids there!

Later in the day, we swam and had fun. Brady and Berta came over and Polly and Ken. The trampoline ring became a "sparring" ring. The funniest part about it was the audience on the side. The little girls lined up chairs to watch (just like fair maidens), then they were joined by the younger boys, as well.

Emma had a bit of a rough day, physically, though. Early in the day, I got to watch her racing down the street on a scooter (with Dobby attached to the handlebars by his leash) and do a flip in the middle of the road -- landing on her head and sliding on her knee. Ouch! Then, later, while swimming, she flipped off the diving board and hit her back. MORE ouch! Then, as soon as she recovered from that, she and Rick were playing and she bent her fingers back and couldn't use her hand the rest of the day. When it still hurt this morning and had some black and blue and swelling, we were worried that it was broken, so we took a quick trip to the urgent care. Thank goodness, it was okay. She got to see x-rays for the first time and was fascinated by the whole thing.

Overall, it was a fun day. And we are happy that it didn't end with a cast on a hand. Not swimming or playing the piano for 6 weeks were thoughts she couldn't bear.

Today Feels Like Friday, but I Know Sunday Will Come

2009-07-02T06:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a hard day and it went on a lot of the night. I learned yesterday afternoon that a friend from last summer had passed away yesterday morning. This man is one who came to be treated by Dr. Lodi also. I fell in love with Tom and Dana as a couple. They were my age, full of life and enthusiasm and spunk. You rarely see people as in love as these two! They loved each other, their kids and just being a family. It has been hard to think about Tom passing away. I had just recently learned that he wasn't doing well and I know he was in a dreadful amount of pain. There has been many tears and much introspection. I wish I could just fly up to Colorado and give Dana a big squeeze. I love Dana with all my heart.

I have been trying not to wonder why there has to be so much pain in life sometimes. I only know that through this all I have been so grateful for the One who can help us through it. I am grateful for the timeliness of this message that the Church put on their website only this week. I have watched it several times in the last 24 hours, including early morning hours when I should have been sleeping, but my heart was aching instead. The resurrection has become so much more real for me in the last year. I am grateful for the Savior, for His Gift. I know that someday I will have two legs to kneel at my Savior's feet to thank Him for all He has done. But I will not let that stop me from kneeling with one leg today. Today, I need to remember to be grateful to be with MY family and to be alive. I am truly grateful for the knowledge that if I can be worthy, I can be with my family forever.

"Let It Go!"

2009-06-25T15:43:00.002-07:00

Okay, I will admit it. Some people say I am "a little" on the over-protective and structured side. I think some of it comes from only having 2 kids when I wanted 4 or 5 or 6...... Maybe it stems from my desire to always be "good," but, to be honest, I didn't think it was that bad until I found another patient here who I adored instantly and relate to a lot. She has a boy and a girl in the same order as me and are similar in personalities -- just a little older now. Other than the fact that she is about 85 lbs right now, we are a lot alike. And, today, she told me to learn to "let it go."

I guess this is a theme for me right now. Last week a dr I am starting to work with along with Dr. Lodi told me very much the same thing; he said that I need some mind work (am I psycho?) to figure why I think I have to be so busy trying to do stuff all the time to be a good mom. Rick told me that he doesn't care if I am a vegetable, he still wants me around. Caleb just wants me to play with him and Emma just wants snuggles and piano lessons. And I am trying to figure all that out.

A month ago when I started having pain, I found myself not fixing dinner (and not caring what my family ate for dinner) for the first time since I had kids. I found myself leaving whatever dishes didn't fit in the dishwasher in the sink for the first time in my entire life. The kids have watched tv at times when it wasn't Friday. I have not given in to the xbox on a day other than Friday, yet, but we'll see...... And you know what? The world did not end when I woke up to dishes. I always thought I would feel "behind" to begin the day with dirty dishes. You know what? Since I am a morning person, sometimes I have more energy at 6:30am to do dishes than at 6:00pm when a dirty pan may have put me in a puddle of tears with the energy it took to clean it when I was soooo very tired. I have also learned that if my kids and husband do the dishes, I no longer care how the silverware goes in. Caleb is learning to do his own laundry -- and the only thing I make him sort out is his white church shirt. When the kids fold their own clothes, I don't care how it is folded -- I am just happy that they are the ones doing it.

So, in my struggle to "let it go", how far do I go? Such a silly dilemma. But here is what my new friend pointed out to me today -- she asked me:

"Have you noticed the 'healthy' moms? They are the ones who just seem to us over-protective moms like they don't care. Their kids run around doing whatever, the houses aren't always clean, but everyone is always happy. The moms have their projects and don't seem run by a schedule. They fix dinner when they feel like it and don't worry about how healthy it is (okay I don't know if I can COMPLETELY let go of that one, though)."

Such a silly blog post, but this has really been a dilemma for me lately. I want to be around long-term and that means I need to learn to let a lot of things go....... Maybe I am afraid I will go the opposite extreme. And what is that?????????

I could use some advice and help on this one.

We Are a Happy Family

2009-06-22T13:42:00.005-07:00

Yay! Back together as a family! I wish I had pictures of everything from the last week. A BIG thank you to all of our friends. We are amazed and in awe and feel overwhelmed with love.

I heard from several people that Steve Palmer is a force to be reckoned with when it comes to moving. And, we weren't sure it was all going to fit, but Steve did it. I bet he is good at puzzles, too!

Rick said we needed a camera Saturday morning. He said there was an army of women who showed up and swept through the house. There were even little kids helping, he said. Wow! I hope everyone gets richly blessed for all they have done for us!

Here is a picture of the truck loaded (courtesy Katharine Bolliger for the pictures)...and thanks for lending her husband over Father's Day weekend (and to Mark for giving up his Father's Day weekend) to help with the drive over.

Trying to get the truck to close after finding a few "randoms" after the truck was loaded. Don't you HATE the "randoms" when you move? Kristi, I feel that there is blog possibilities on that subject -- you would do it justice!

This is when they figured out that the brake lights weren't working. A trip to U-Haul (and a 2nd and 3rd time for various problems) -- thank goodness they didn't make him unload the truck for a new one.

Anyway, Rick and Mark made it safely and we are trying to get settled, figuring out what goes in storage and what we absolutely cannot live without for a month or two.

Thank you everyone for the loves. We love you all!

2009-06-17T20:57:00.003-07:00

Well, you can see that our kitchen is cleaned out.....thanks to this lovely lady. There were several people who came to help us. I am so grateful: so many loves when I was emotionally not coping!!!!

I am feeling spunkier the last few days. I don't know if it is from finally just DOING what needed to be done or what, but I am feeling much more hope.

My first chemo treatment (well the first one AGAIN) was yesterday and went really well. I only had a little trouble balancing my blood sugar afterwards and then felt fine later. Just a little tired. Of course, I got almost no sleep from the steroids and am still feeling a bit "perked up" today and am hoping I can sleep tonight. Between the steroid shot and Dobby trying to get used to a new house, I ended up with about 3 1/2 hours of sleep. Dobby is sleeping in his crate in the shed tonight if he doesn't behave. ;)

I have another chemo treatment tomorrow and hope it goes well, too. After my Vitamin C treatment today, I felt fine, too, which is exciting since they made me so horribly horribly sick last year. I had forgotten how THIRSTY it makes me, though. I think I have 3 gallons of water in me. At least I won't get dehydrated.

Rick is busy packing the rest of our stuff and trying to get to us as soon as possible. At least we can see an end in sight this time -- of our family being separated.

There is NO WAY we could have done this without all the help of our wonderful friends and family! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! I believe in Angels!

Tonight I was reading in an old Friend magazine to Caleb and Emma and saw this quote, "As a result of the many miracles in our lives, we should be more humble and more grateful, more kind and more believing." -- President Howard W. Hunter

We have had more miracles than I can count -- a good reminder to me to be more what I should be. Thank you to all those people who are part of our miracles! We love you!

Regression

2009-06-11T19:35:00.002-07:00

Regression is a theme in our house this week.

1. Dobby has had 3 accidents in 2 days -- after no accidents in 6 months!

2. We are packing again -- does that count? It feels like we are regressing as we go through old already-packed boxes and start packing all over again. (What does NOT feel like regression is the exhilarating feeling of 4 loaded-down-car trips to Goodwill, with more to come)

3. Sadly, I have regressed. This has been a tough, tough week for our family. A few weeks ago, I was in pain again. It came on suddenly and would get better and worse and then just worse. Yesterday we had it confirmed that the cancer is back with several new tumors in the abdomenal area (retriperitoneal (sp) and peritoneal cavities for anyone that gets that). We are looking for a good oncological surgeon who knows what he is doing in this arena and then I want to go back to my oncologist in AZ. We are figuring all of that out for now. The good news in all of this (if there can be any good news) is that none of the tumors are in organs. We are hoping they are all operable, although it will be an extremely invasive and painful surgery. I do not look forward to more of the drugs. I was NOT a good druggie last summer!

I am a fighter; not a quitter. And I know the Lord is ever-mindful of our family. I am so thankful for all the prayers, fasting, support, encouragment, blessings, watching of kids for appointments at the last minute, dinners, etc. We didn't want Rick to get laid off, but I am so grateful that he has been here the last few days. He has been a rock for me. We have cried together and talked about things that he has been scared to talk about before. We have been surrounded by angels on both sides of the veil the last few days.

So... one more way of regression: I guess I am back to posting about more than just normal life and mom-stuff. I hate blogging about cancer! *sigh*

here are some words to a song that has always resonated for me. I only know this song by this musician. It isn't her voice, or just the words, there is just "something" about it:
Des'ree

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my heh, hey, hey

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

And all I know is that love is saving my days. The love of my extended family, the love of friends, the love of my kids, the love of my husband, and the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

Now, I do know that the Lord is strengthening me and my family, but I need to learn to be more cheerful about it AND more patient! Cheerfulness might save all the make-up I have gone through in the past 2 days. :)

Just Because I Love You!

2009-05-18T21:05:00.005-07:00

Just because I love you, I will allow you to do a science experiment on my kitchen counter that lasts for a month and makes people wonder at my housekeeping abilities.
Just because I love you, I will allow you to turn one of my favorite foods into a moldy, rotting, fly-fest. Just because I love you, I will help you document observations, help you take pictures, and actually care about how much mold and rot are growing on each different pepper. I will help you research and weed through scientific documents to help you understand what scientists are trying to say (although it may take an hour first to dissect it myself).

Then, because I love you so much, I will spend money, time and try to use lots of patience while YOU type up the research paper portion of the project (and add words to our computer dictionary instead of fixing the spelling) and make a tri-fold presentation display. I love you so much that when I look at your finished product, I hope the teacher sees that YOU are the one who did this. I hope they can see that I loved you enough to let it look like a fourth grader didn't want his mom doing it for him. That he was so excited about this and cared so much that he didn't want someone else doing it for him. I love you so much I can see every bit of effort you painstakingly put into this project. I am very glad the peppers are in the garbage and our kitchen is free of those little flies, but to tell you the truth -- I care very little about science projects. What I care about is seeing the smile on your face. I would do almost anything for that! I love that smile and those dimples and those freckles! I love it when you actually let me kiss them (when no one is looking). Your smile is worth a million bucks, but oh, you are worth so much more!

I LOVE YOU, Mr. C!!!!!!

And, thanks for the tribute on your science project that you worded yourself, "My mom helped me by buying the peppers, helping me with my research and by putting up with the flies." I'll put up with flies for that smile anyday!

Could I Start This Day Over, Please?

2009-05-06T16:38:00.004-07:00

It all began at 1:30am. I had gone to bed with a sore throat and feeling achy (don't worry, no cough -- NO swine-ish-ness about me) to be woken up by the dogs next door howling. Anyone who has stayed with us knows what I am talking about. Then, because of the rottweiler and lab, our little dog thinks it MUST be morning and runs upstairs, ever-hopeful that we will get up with him. Rick took him out, put him back to bed and, I thought that would be it. For some reason, though, I was WIDE awake. Just as I was dozing off, around 2:30, the dogs next door start howling again. At that point I was wishing I had a gun.

To make a long story short, feeling sick and already in pain from a previous fall where I pulled a muscle under my arm, I was pretty off kilter for most of the day. This afternoon I did a doozy, though. Going down the stairs, I fell and landed right on my twisted foot. I hope it isn't broken. That would be a nightmare, but it hurts like bad words and I am once again reminded of what a whiney wimp I am.

Seriously, though, how do stay you off of a sprained foot if it is the only one you have?

To top it all off, I just realized I have been wearing my shirt backwards all day -- running errands, going to the chiropractor, teaching piano. How embarrassing! Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and this will have been a bad dream.

2009-05-06T15:58:00.010-07:00

Okay, I am way off here, I know it was 2 months ago, but I want to get this for me.

Spring Break was a load of fun. I forgot my camera for a lot of activities, but we were busy every day!!! The kids and I had a blast -- it made us anxious for summer! We were sad that Rick couldn't join us for most of it, but he did get in on the last 2 days. We camped in our backyard (right up my alley with a close bathroom and running water) and went for a "hike" in San Gabriel Park in Georgetown. Okay, not much of a hike, but the trail was pretty and my wheelchair did well there. Caleb and Emma in San Gabriel Park.

Caleb being silly! At least he let me take his picture!

Emma and Caleb both did a lot with friends this week. But this is the only picture with a friend that I got.

Caleb spent time "manning the fort".

Forever our tomboy -- climbing trees, playing outside. This is also in San Gabriel park with friends.

Impromptu science project: bowl of water with pepper in it. Dab in soap -- watch the pepper jump away! Pretty cool.

Caleb's last basketball game. We won't mention the score.

All in all a very successful Spring Break for us. Lots of good memories. Less than a month until school is out. I can't wait to have my kids home all day and have NO homework that has to get done. The homeschooler in me hates those deadlines, the educator in me demands structure. Summer will be a great blend of both for me. I just fear it won't be long enough.

I Walk By Faith

2009-04-17T21:01:00.004-07:00

About 2 months ago I watched a special on byutv online about Janice Kapp Perry called, "A Life of Service and Song". I hadn't thought about her for so many years. I quit buying very much "Church" music after Rick and I got married and haven't spent much time with her music in particular since my high school days. Yet watching this special brought back many tender feelings.

As a teenager from the 80's, and loving to sing, I sang a lot of songs by Janice Kapp Perry and Michael McLean. Both of these songwriters did a lot to help my testimony grow and to teach me how to feel and recognize the Holy Ghost in my life. What I hadn't known before I watched this special on byutv.org was that Sister Perry didn't write her first song until she was 39! The fact that she broke her ankle playing basketball and had a broken tv they couldn't afford to fix was a blessing to more people than me, but what a blessing it was to me!

A week later, I found out that she was coming to Austin to speak to the BYU Managment Society - on my birthday, no less. So, we bought tickets to go see her. It was amazing! Absolutely amazing. She is FUNNY and tender and absolutely delightful; her husband is also. For example, she was teasing him at one point and he turned off her mic. Then, he turned it back on and she said, "He just likes to turn me on." Singing her songs with her and the rest of the people there brought back so many many memories:

1. Singing at the piano with my sisters singing for hours.
2. Singing with friends - at church, girls camp, etc.
3. Leading the stake YW in the song, "I Walk by Faith" when it was brand-new (yes, I am THAT old), when we released balloons with our testimonies in 1986.
4. Singing at our seminary graduation
5. Learning to play the piano well enough that I could sing her songs without having to rely on sisters and friends.
6. Having words from her music come to my mind in moments of trial, moments of happiness, moments of peace.
7. Singing to my children from babyhood on -- simple songs carrying the doctrines of the gospel and love of the Savior and our Heavenly Father.
8. Singing with my children (and occasionally my husband, too) songs Sister Perry wrote.
9. Hearing Primary children sing her music and ask to sing it in Primary.

There is a song Sister Perry wrote that has been a favorite for many years, "Thanks for the Music." Here is some of it:

Thanks for the music that's in me...
Is it a memory that birth could not erase?
Rising within me from another time and place?
Do I hear something that others do not hear?
Things that I sense I have heard before, but where?
Are these the sounds of heaven that bring me to my knees
saying, "thanks for the music in me."

Sister Perry spoke tonight about not being too old to develop new talents and to take risks. "Talents are to be used to serve," she said. She spoke of Camilla Kimball learning to paint in the months before her death. She spoke of family songs. She spoke of serving a mission with her husband and teaching the people in Argentina how to use music in their meetings (how incredible would THAT be?).

Since I just turned 39 today, I felt her speaking was a wake-up call. So much life to live -- where to start?

Right now, things are so uncertain in our little family's world. Yet, in the last year, I have felt so cradled and loved in the Lord's Hand. I know He is still mindful of us and will help us through. So...."just for here and now I walk by faith." At 17 I hardly knew what that really meant. At 39, I think I am beginning to -- how am I going to feel at 80?

We are alive

2009-04-16T16:16:00.003-07:00

Okay, I have been asked by a few people if I have abandoned my blog. Yes, actually, I have. :) No, really, I just haven't taken the time to do much. I will post again soon. I have some cute pictures from Spring Break, I know, a month ago, but they are cute. Well, the ones of Emma are cute. Caleb will hardly let me take pictures. As soon as the camera comes out, he hides or makes completely gross faces. Does anyone know the secret to getting 10 1/2-year-old boys to cooperate for the camera?

REMEMBER THE ALAMO!

2009-03-06T13:48:00.003-07:00

So, today, the history-lover in me screams out, "Remember the Alamo!" Although not a native Texan, I get passionate about this subject. These men (and the women behind them)stood for something. They stood up and fought to be free from tyranny. They did not leave it in others' hands, thinking, "What could one little person like me do?" On days like this, I resolve to do better to be brave and courageous. What an example we have if we would only look in our history books. Our children must be taught - but who will teach them if we don't know history ourselves!

These men who fought were just people like you and me. They loved, they lived. They were not crazy-eyed fanatics with nothing better to do. They fought for a principle. Even though they knew there was NO CHANCE of them winning, they followed the call: "Victory or death". We are not called upon today to die for these principles. We are called upon to live for them. To stand up and be counted in fighting for freedom.

A reporter named Chuck Baldwin summed it up so nicely for me:

"Liberty is an easy word to say, but it is a hard word to live up to. Freedom has little to do with financial gain or personal pleasure. Accompanying Freedom is her constant and unattractive companion, Responsibility. Neither is she an only child. Patriotism and Morality are her sisters. They are inseparable; destroy one and all will die...

"Try to recall the time in this country when ordinary men and women had the courage of their convictions and were willing to sacrifice their lives for freedom and independence.
One thing is certain: those courageous champions did not die for a political party or for some "lesser of two evils" mantra! They fought and died for a principle. So did the men at Lexington and Concord. That is our heritage."

I believe there are still men and women who have courage to stand for their convictions. In a more modern time (okay, kind of -- 1989), Ronald Reagan said this:

"If we forget what we did, we won't know who we are. I'm warning of an eradication of the American memory that could result, ultimately, in an erosion of the American spirit. Let's start with some basics: more attention to American history and a greater emphasis on civic ritual. And let me offer lesson number one about America: All great change in America begins at the dinner table. So, tomorrow night in the kitchen I hope the talking begins. And children, if your parents haven't been teaching you what it means to be an American, let 'em know and nail 'em on it. That would be a very American thing to do."

So, my call to myself and anyone who dares to make it to the end of this long blog is this:

Dare to do right, Dare to be true,
You have a work that no other can do.
Do it so bravely, so kindly, so well.
Angels will hasten the story to tell.

Dare to do right, Dare to be true,
Other men's failures can never save you.
Stand by your conscience, your honor, your faith.
Stand like a hero and battle till death!

Dare, Dare, Dare to do Right!
Dare, Dare, Dare to be True!
(LDS Childrens Songbook, page 158)

You don't have to push a handcart,
Leave your family dear,
Or walk a thousand miles or more
To be a pioneer.
(LDS Children's Songbook, page 218)

Remember March 6, 1836. Remember April 19, 1775. Remember July 4, 1776. Remember November 19, 1863. Remember that this land was ordained to be free so that a spring day in 1830 could happen. Remember that the Lord has said that as long as He is the God of this land, we shall be free. Let's keep choosing to be free.

Let's "Remember the Alamo."

VALIDATION

2009-02-11T20:06:00.003-07:00

This was a video a friend posted on Facebook and it is just WAY too good to not share with everyone out there. It is over 16 minutes, but worth EVERY SINGLE SECOND. I wish more people created movies like this. The world would be happier and we would all treat each other better.

A BIG thank you to Carol for posting this. I have watched it 3 times already tonight. Rick got teary-eyed with me. And I giggled through the first 5 minutes. This video is going on here as a tribute to all the people in my life, especially in the last year, who have validated me, made me smile and just plain loved me, even when I was so unloveable, unsure of my future or just plain needing to be told I was okay just as I am.

"Validation" is a fable about the magic of free parking. Starring TJ Thyne & Vicki Davis. Writer/Director/Composer - Kurt Kuenne. Winner - Best Narrative Short, Cleveland Int'l Film Festival, Winner - Jury Award, Gen Art Chicago Film Festival, Winner - Audience Award, Hawaii Int'l Film Festival, Winner - Best Short Comedy, Breckenridge Festival of Film, Winner - Crystal Heart Award, Best Short Film & Audience Award, Heartland Film Festival, Winner - Christopher & Dana Reeve Audience Award, Williamstown Film Festival, Winner - Best Comedy, Dam Short Film Festival, Winner - Best Short Film, Sedona Int'l Film Festival.

Hey! HE IS CUTTING IN LINE!

2009-02-09T13:49:00.003-07:00

I turned into a 1st grader today. There needs to be a police department for "cutting" in traffic. Most of the time I am a pretty patient driver. Most of the time. This morning -- not so much. Since it was raining, I left early to take Rick to work. I got in the correct line to enter the freeway and immediately traffic came to a dead stop! Then, as we are crawling forward one inch per minute, people are zooming by us on the right then slamming on their brakes at the "front of the line" to get onto the freeway. I felt like screaming, "Your schedule is not any more important than the rest of ours -- get in line and wait your turn!" But, I held it in and just enjoyed a few minutes to be with Rick on a Monday morning. And, since morning is his absolutely favorite time of day, anyone who knows him knows how communicative he is at 7:15 in the morning (side note for those who don't know him: this is the man who is kind all day, BUT in the morning. The first week we were married he said, "I love you, but PLEASE don't be so cheerful in the morning and PLEASE don't sing until after I have had a shower. Cute songs in the morning are NOT funny to me." I can laugh about it now because I am still a morning person -- I just don't talk to him).

Anyway, so I am put-putting on the freeway now, going 3 mph, thinking of my friend Kriste's blog about how marching band should be a requisite to driving so people learn how to merge, when I realize that people are zooming by me on the right in an exit-only lane and then stopping traffic to try to get back "in line" before they have to exit. ARGH!

The funny thing about all of this is that I woke up in a good mood and when I got home, I was in a good mood, but seeing that really ticked me off this morning. I wasn't allowed to "cut" in school -- didn't anyone else learn that?

This is How We Do it in Texas!

2009-02-06T09:33:00.004-07:00

Okay, I don't eat it, but I can MAKE it..... My husband said this was the best burger ever - Big Smoky Burgers! They were fabulous smelling and I don't even like beef. So, I was a little proud. Homemade buns, homemade burgers (well, kind of homemade - Caleb said they weren't homemade since we didn't raise the beef and butcher it) -- my husband was happy! I usually just buy a pack of burgers at Costco. I was feeling adventurous, especially considering how much I hate touching raw meat. Caleb and Emma loved them, too.

Here is a secret to good burgers I have learned recently -- mix all your burger stuff together and let it sit overnight to let the flavors meld. This burger has chipotle peppers and a little liquid smoke in them -- so it smelled a little like beef jerky when I pulled it out of the fridge to form the patties.

Just a tidbit of fun.

Little Bites, Big Enthusiasm

2009-01-19T08:54:00.002-07:00

I need to say upfront that this blog is for family memory preservation, so it will probably be boring to others. I just have to remember Emma eating corn on the cob. I wish I had gotten a picture of her doing it. She will not eat corn unless it is on the cob. It is definitely not in season right now, but sometimes I give in just for the sheer pleasure it brings Emma and the joy it is to watch her eat. She does not eat in an organized fashion -- she just digs right in and goes to town, with "mmms" and "ooohs" and "num num num" the whole time. Then she proceeds to clean up everyone else's cobs. And I can attribute this love of corn to gardening when we were in Seattle, thanks to Rick's Grandma for the land to garden and for instilling a love in me and my children for gardening. We miss her and the kids often talk of Grandma Callup showing them slugs and worms and snails. Growing your own vegetables taught Caleb and Emma (especially my picky-eater Emma) to be more adventurous about eating vegetables. And to LOVE them!

2009-01-06T07:57:00.007-07:00

I LOVE AUSTIN!

2009-01-06T07:41:00.008-07:00

Okay, beyond the fact that we have such a great football team (can we say a great Fiesta Bowl outcome?), I really love Austin!

Actually, I could care less about football, I just live with a very large (though small in stature) Longhorns fan. I guess Caleb honestly comes by the fact that he was born here. :) He loves to tell everyone that he is Texan (it is a nationality, for anyone who didn't know)!

But, seriously, Austin is so great for us. The only thing it doesn't have for us is family and a temple. On Saturday, we had a high of 83 degrees. Who can beat that in the beginning of January? But, for those who don't like the warmth, they get their wish, too, because yesterday the high was 43 degrees and it is rainy here, now. But tomorrow is supposed to be 67 and Thursday 72 degrees. I will take the rain to get the sunshine, too.

Austin has great barbecue for those like Rick who REALLY care, skateboard parks that are open year-round for those like Caleb and plenty of dirt to dig in and rocks to treasure for those like Emma. Then, if you are me, you just like to be in the sun and read and good book!

After a fun trip to Arizona for a very fun and crazy family reunion (we missed you, Amanda -- it wasn't the same without you!), we are back to homework, grocery shopping and cleaning the house. Just life. But life here in Austin is good. I don't have to shovel snow or ask anyone else to do it for me!

After opening presents, we didn't see much of Caleb beyond the picture above: FINALLY, a DS! Mom gave in! Emma's iDog is full of music all the time. And, some fun pictures of sister-fun! I didn't seem to end up with many pictures of my brothers or brothers-in-law. Sorry, guys! I think the only one I got was Joel with his nose on the table checking out Zander's pigs in "Pass the Pigs" to see if they were touching. So I didn't post that one..... :) Fun game, though!

The Biggest Loser.........

2008-12-16T20:28:00.003-07:00

Rick and I decided tonight after watching "The Biggest Loser" Finale that I win in our family for being the biggest loser this year. So where is my Jello-grand prize of $250,000?

A hint to all the players on the next season: cut off a leg and you will probably win.

Days Of Our Lives

2008-12-12T14:01:00.002-07:00

I feel like our life has been a bit of a soap opera lately. But we are hoping it is winding down. It is official: our buyers didn't end up qualifying (though we were assured that they were pre-qualified, etc). Anyway, a week ago, we "moved" back into our house. We have been on pins and needles to figure everything out this week, just a lot of waiting, mostly. But it is over with these buyers. *sigh* I am so sad! It means we are going to lose our earnest money AND the cost of having a moving van for 2 1/2 weeks, but worst of all, we are probably losing the new house we have been sooooooooo excited about and that was such an amazing deal and I have to continue to deal with stairs.

Anyway, it is over for now and I PROMISE, not to post anything more about moving (at least until it is a done deal). I don't even want to talk about it. bleck!

A few days ago, I decided that regardless of what was going to happen, it was time for our family to have some Christmas. So..... we set up the tree last night and have been playing Christmas music and are trying to have some Christmas spirit.

The kids have been amazing through all of this. I am so grateful for them! And I am glad it is Christmastime to have something so wonderful to focus on!

Anyway, I am DONE. I just thought I would keep everyone "posted." I am done with this and it is time to celebrate that at least it is over. I am "decking" our "halls" today and I am happy.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward When You Feel Like You Are Standing On Your Last Leg

2008-12-03T16:02:00.003-07:00

I am seriously considering writing a book with that title. And that is how I have been feeling this week. We STILL have not closed on our house. Our new house is just sitting there lonely and sad, just waiting for our family to make it a home. We are living in the few clothes that weren't thrown in boxes in our haste to get out TWO WEEKS ago. We got word today that the title company is waiting for wiring instructions and documents, but we still haven't heard anything and, seeing as how it is almost 5:10, I doubt we will today. The closing on our new house has been pushed back (AGAIN) to the 12th --agh -- to give the buyers and title people time to get their act together. Really, I don't think selling a house should be so difficult. Is it a secret that you need financial documents when you meet with a loan officer? I didn't think so, yet the buyers say that the loan company is putting them through "unusual stress" and asking for "unusual documentation". He is a lawyer and has a trust and didn't think he needed to turn in that paperwork. jThe loan was held up for a week on that one, because they refused to take time off work to get everything in. Then, because everything took so long, the termite inspection was older than 30 days and they had to order a new one. Then the lending company found more "conditions." The loan for our new house has been a breeze, really. I don't get this. I guess I can be grateful that the loan isn't being held up because of us!

There is a fine line between trying to be Christian and not letting yourself get walked all over. We are struggling to find that line. We want to be kind, yet we are paying a small fortune for the moving vans alone.

I have learned through all of this that I am a very very trusting soul. I thought I was getting more cynical in my old age, but apparently not. I still believe people when they tell me things.

AND, I can't find my camera. I know I kept it out, but it is somewhere in one of the cars or the cab of one of the moving vans. I know not where. And the kids have been the cutest and I can't even take pictures of them. *sigh*

I can relate to this scripture lately: 1 Nephi 11:17: "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." Without this knowledge and comfort, I would be a wreck.

On Thanksgiving Day, when we weren't where we expected to be, I was struggling a little. Yet, I looked at my little family and realized how grateful I was to just be here with them. We are all together and going through this together.

Trying Times Are Not Times To Stop Trying

2008-11-23T21:09:00.005-07:00

This week has been what I would call trying!!!!! At first, I questioned - a lot! Does this mean we are doing the wrong thing? Rick said he was surprised, since I was the one who was usually "the strong one" -- whatever THAT means. Anyway, this week, for some reason, I hit my limit for a day or two. I will try to keep it short.

On Monday, while I was in the middle of the last of my cooking spree -- 2 double batches of muffins and a 3-loaf batch of bread -- Rick called to say that the buyers were ready to close on Tuesday. I was thrilled! After 2 weeks of being told one thing and then another, I was glad it was going to be done. The bad news was that they had changed their mind about renting back to us until we closed on our new house. When we closed they wanted the keys. Agh! That meant we would have to finish packing and clean in 24 hours. They said they could push it out until Wednesday and Thursday to not cause too much stress, but if we did that we couldn't close on our new house, which we were scheduled to do on Wednesday. So, we decided to go for it. We had many friends help out that night and it all got done -- including the 72 muffins and 3 loaves of bread.

The next morning our realtor called their realtor to see why they weren't there for the scheduled walk-through and she said there might be a "hang-up" with closing that day; the buyers still had one last piece of paperwork to turn in. My first reaction was, "You have GOT to be kidding me." We had 2 loaded moving vans sitting outside our house, the house was clean and empty and we had reservations at a hotel for the couple of days until we could get into our new house. Well, our realtor called to talk to the loan officer and we found out the real story. I don't want to say bad things about their realtor, but .... agh! good grief! So, we cancelled our hotel reservations, got our phone and internet turned back on (which you know how trying THAT can be if anyone out there has AT & T), and started camping in our own home. But I was grateful for the cooking spree I had done the week before!!!!

We found out on Friday that all of the buyers paperwork has now been turned in and everything is sitting in underwriting, so we are hoping it goes quickly now. Our biggest cost at this point is having 2 moving vans sitting there that we are paying for by the day while we have waited for the buyers to get everything done. We really don't know how much of this is the buyers being flaky and how much is their realtor. We think it is the latter. We think they don't really even know all of what she had been saying to our realtor the last few weeks. We just pray this all really happens. I can't imagine moving everything back in at this point. What a mess!

We have talked so much about closings, etc. that the kids are getting to be pretty literate in all of this. We thought so anyway. Tonight, when we were talking about hopefully closing in the next few days, Emma said, "When are we opening on our new house?" She thought that since closing was part of selling, opening must be part of buying. :) She has been sick for the last few days and it was good to see a little happy spunk out of her.

Last night Rick and I went with some friends to watch the BYU-Utah game. Since I am blue through and through I won't even go into the game, but when we went to their home tonight, they had a red UofU jacket and hat on their wooden pilgrims just for us, to show what they were thankful for this week. Very funny, Mark and Katharine!

TAGGED

2008-11-13T16:36:00.007-07:00

Okay, I have been tagged numerous times in the past and I never do this sort of thing -- so why am I doing it now?? :) Who knows. I guess Jeannie caught me in the right mood. So, anyone who gets annoyed by this- just skip this blog and move on.

8 favorite TV shows
1. Biggest Loser (except this season has been disappointing with the "drama")
2. Chuck
3. Dancing with the Stars
4. Amazing Race (although I haven't seen any this season since our Media Center is packed away and I can't record the shows)
5. ????
6. ????
7. ????
8. ????
*sorry, I really don't watch much TV anymore. I feel too good these days. :) And now that I am not at my Mom's house there is no cable -- no HGTV (sob)

8 Favorite Restaurants

1. Mom's House - free, good food!
2. Jason's Deli
3. Sahbuddy's - Israeli food (fabulous falafel and hummus)
4. Thai Palace
5. Cheddar's
6. Johnny Carino's
7. PF Chang's
8. My house -- really I'm too cheap to eat out much and I love to cook, so I end up thinking, "I could have made this better. It IS nice not to have to do the dishes, though.

8 Books You'd Recommend

1. Anything by Shannon Hale -- especially Goose Girl, Enna Burning and River Secret
2. Anything by Jane Austen - I have to admit that Pride & Prejudice will always be up there at the top!!!
3. L.M. Montgomery -- Emily of New Moon ranks as high as Anne of Green Gables on my list
4. Anti-Cancer: a new way of life by David Servan-Schreiber
5. The Whole Foods Market Cookbook
6. Raw Food Made Easy for 1 0r 2 people
7. Any "Alfie and Annie Rose" book by Shirley Hughes. I HIGHLY recommend these books of hers, especially for people with little ones who have siblings (like "Alfie gets in first")
8. Biographies -- just about any

8 Things That Happened Yesterday

1. I cooked enchiladas, sweet 'n' sour chicken, chimichangas, beans and rice w/spicy sausage, chili, chicken noodle soup, and calzones to go in the freezer to make the move easier.
2. Helped Caleb with his Polish Texans Immigration Project, his spelling and his math.
3. Helped Emma with her homework.
4. Read to Emma
5. Went grocery shopping with my kids and still loved them when I got home (a major accomplishment)
6. Watched "Chuck" on nbc.com while I cooked
7. Felt accomplished with the above 6
8. Put my leg up while I waited for Rick to come to bed

8 Things to look forward to

1. A new house
2. A new house with no stairs
3. A new house with a bigger kitchen
4. A new house with a doggy door for the naughty puppy who won't tell us he needs to go out and then pees by the door.
5. A new house with french doors on the living room for a quieter piano
6. Waking up every day
7. Having energy when I wake up every day.
8. Seeing people I love every day.
*can you tell I'm not one bit excited about our new house! Only a few more days!

8 Things on My Wish List

1. A relaxing holiday season (I absolutely refuse to be stressed this year, even if there are boxes surrounding me)
2. A long and healthy life
3. A new digital camera
4. More books (can you ever have too many?)
5. More sheet music (ditto)
6. Healthy children
7. Obedient children who never fight (okay, my Mom used to say that this is all she wanted for birthdays and Christmas. We would say, "No, REALLY, Mom! Tell us what you REALLY want!" I get it now)
8. A Temple closer than San Antonio

8 Things I Love About Fall

1. Christmas Music (we start before Halloween often in this family)
2. Christmas Decorations, smells and wrapped presents under trees (who cares what is in them -- it so fun to see them under the tree!)
3. Gingerbread Cookies and an excuse to make gingerbread (the cakey real stuff), for breakfast
4. Pumpkins -- pie, muffins, bread, etc
5. Thanksgiving -- This year we have soooooo much to be thankful for!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat (please don't let me be the goose this year!)
7. Sleeping with the windows open/No more Air Conditioning
8. Nippy mornings and glorious afternoons

I am not tagging anyone else, but if anyone else wants to do it, I would read it with pleasure.

Happy Fall! Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Holidays! Enjoy the smells of the holidays! Hug the people you love today!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

2008-11-10T09:35:00.007-07:00

Beef Jerky -- Compliments of Laffy Taffy. I entertained everyone while they ate their Halloween Candy. This is the first year Rick and I dressed up with the kids. I was a pirate, although we never got around to figuring out how to rig up a peg leg. Maybe next year. Rick was Neo (sp?) from Matrix. I have never seen the movies, but Rick looked very Keanu Reeve-ish. Caleb was Indiana Jones and Emma was an angel (in every sense of the word).

Caleb has been quite the little man around here, lately. He has been begging to be allowed to mow the lawn. He finally got to. Our lawn mower isn't self-propelled, so I don't know if he will be begging again anytime soon, but he did such a good job, he is hired for the job. He also likes to fix some of his own meals. Breakfast is his favorite and his specialties are: omelets, eggs/toast, and breakfast tacos. He can also make grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese and is learning to make pizza dough for pizza/calzones. Emma's specialty is breakfast, too -- she can pour a mean bowl of granola. :) She almost has mac and cheese down and loves to make her own sandwiches. They both are big help cleaning and folding laundry and doing dishes. Emma thinks doing dishes is fun. Let's see how long THAT lasts. :)

I went to AZ for 2 days last week for another treatment. I forgot how icky I feel after chemo. I am still feeling "chemo-lag" today. Rick was such a trooper while I was gone. He was trying to work from home, help kids with homework, and get them off to school all by himself. :) He was truly grateful that I am still alive so that he isn't doing this alone. I am grateful, too.

We feel truly thankful this Thanksgiving!

Ahhh! The Sweet Sound of.......Opera

2008-10-30T16:54:00.019-07:00

This afternoon we met Rick at Dell for his company family Halloween Party. And, Dell is not small. I absolutely adore little people in costumes and it is fun for our kids, too, but after 2 1/2 hours of trying not to trip anyone with my crutches and trying not to get pushed over by little people looking for their parents (or by the parents just pushing by people), I was a quivering bundle of nerves inside.

Rick decided to take the kids to Subway to give me a break (I fell in love with him all over again for that) and I drove home ALONE!!!!!!!!!! Alone, alone, alone, alone. As I drove, I realized that it has been 2 weeks since I have been absolutely all alone. No kids, no husband, no one but me.

I put a Renee Fleming CD in the stereo (even people who don't love opera could like her, I think) and felt the anxiety start to melt away. I was so in the zone -- not good when you are driving -- I missed my exit, enjoying the strains of "O Mio Bambino, Caro". So, I ended up taking the long way home and getting a little more alone music time. It was worth it, even though taking that way landed me in a traffic pile-up. I was enjoying my alone time so much I even let several people go in front of me. :)

I do not zone out to opera often enough. I am determined to do it more often - not driving of course.

OOPS

2008-10-22T15:34:00.003-07:00

oops. Somehow I deleted the kitchen picture (my favorite part of the house, so far). The plastic is still on the granite, and there are no appliances in yet (they will be black), but I think you can get the idea.

Our New Nest

2008-10-22T15:11:00.005-07:00

We started our loan process this week for our new house. How crazy are we trying to do all of this house-stuff with what is going on in the economy? We feel very watched out for. We have really been taken care of through all of this. It is fun to see our house done a little more each time we go to see it. These pictures don't really do it justice. Without the electricity on in the house yet, the colors seem a little off. The cabinets are maple, not nearly as red as the they look in the pictures. But the view out of our family room window (I can see it from the kitchen and dining room and it is the same view from the Master Bedroom), is really beautiful. It is only a little smaller than the house we are in now, has a ton of closets and has NO STAIRS!!! After being home for a few weeks, I am soooooo done with the stairs!! We back to a green belt, so there will be no neighbors back there. And I will love having a more formal room/piano room with french doors so the piano won't seem so loud. We love the location and we won't be far from the new cannery they are building in our area. Yay!

We are going to try a charter school. We are enrolling the kids this week to start, hopefully, next week. It is very strong academically and is only 4 hours/day. I just kept playing with them instead of getting all the work done that we needed to do. And I have enjoyed hearing/seeing them play together. When we were in Arizona, they played with cousins so much, they didn't play with each other and got kind of stinky to each other. We will see how this works out....

A Finger-lickin' Good Life

2008-10-13T14:59:00.006-07:00

Being back home has its advantages. Like HEB (our favorite grocery store), the beautiful hill country, Round Rock Donuts and great barbecue. We don't go out to get it, though there are some great places here. Why, when the kids think there is something special about the way their Dad fixes barbecued chicken wings? Especially Emma, who is not afraid to get her fingers dirty. I think Caleb would like it more if he could eat it without getting messy. :)

The kids are back in piano, which has been great. Caleb will humor me occasionally by playing duets with me. I love it when he does, but usually it takes a lot of begging with a "fine, but just ONE." Emma, on the other hand, begs me and so hopefully one day soon I will have a willing partner. A dream of mine is to hear them play a duet together someday. Wouldn't that be great?

Life is pretty great these days. The days are breezy and warm, the nights are cool, we are together again as a family and I actually got 4 hours of school out of the kids today with almost NO whining. AND they have been playing for several hours this afternoon with no squabbles. I really should check for fevers, but I am having way too much fun listening to them to interupt. Days like today should last at least 72 hours. 24 hours is not enough.

2008-10-08T07:13:00.004-07:00

We are home!! It has been super to be home. I hit the ground running and am paying for it a bit now -- I am tired. So, now the kids are doing a little more. I am trying to tell myself that it is really ok for the kids to clean bathrooms and swiffer the floor, etc. It won't hurt them to fix their own sandwiches. :) I know this in my mind, but I hate to hear the whining, so it seems easier to do it myself. All moms know this. We are closing on our house on November 30, it looks like, so a bit longer of living with things packed up, but I don't want to unpack it all. The time will go fast. I keep telling myself that. And it is a good excuse to use paper plates. And I am just so grateful that we have a buyer and that it didn't take months and months. I keep praying that it will all work out.

We are back to piano lessons and school work and going to the library. My brother Barry came to see us. That was so very fun. I hadn't seen him in over 2 years! Yikes. We took him to the Round Rock and to Round Rock Donuts. The kids had fun with that, too. They both thought they had discovered gold in the water by the Round Rock. Caleb and Emma were convinced they were starting another gold rush.

Dobby has adjusted well to his new home. At first he was terrified of the stairs. He got up the first 2 and started to cry - too scared to go up or down. Now he runs up and down them constantly. He LOVES his kids He follows them around all day long. And after they go to bed, we have to shut their doors, because he won't leave them alone. If they shut their doors he stands outside them and howls. Other than that, he is a quiet dog. We were surprised, as we heard that chihuahuas were yippie.

It has been nice to see people; although we haven't gotten to see everyone we want to, yet. And it was weird at Church on Sunday, now that our ward is soooo much smaller. But we are adjusting and having a great time doing it.

ON THE ROAD

2008-09-26T06:22:00.003-07:00

Rick loaded the car last night and it is PACKED!!!!! We are leaving in about 5 minutes. We have a little addition we are bringing home with us -- we have a baby! :) Well, HE thinks he is a baby. We are bringing home a chihuahua. Can you believe it? He is so cute -- I would never have guessed I would love a chihuahua. We are still debating the name. I think I might lose this time around. Rick thinks Dobby is cute. I have to admit it fits him with his ears. I will post pictures when we get back to Texas. He is smart and snuggly and hasn't yipped once (let's hope it continues). He isn't all the way potty-trained, though, so we have that in front of us. Emma and Caleb are beside themselves. It will give them something to think about when they are missing their cousins. Anyway, we were sad to say goodbyes here, but we are glad to be going home to be a family again.

Eastward Ho!

2008-09-24T01:14:00.002-07:00

We are now leaving Friday morning. Rick is flying in to AZ and will drive back with us. Trying to pack and still do treatments has proven a bit tricky, as I don't feel like I am worth much in the afternoons. But, little by little we'll get it done.

We had a fun birthday weekend with the kids. Rick flew in Thursday night on Emma's b-day and we spent Friday celebrating Caleb's birthday. In the afternoon we drove to Queen Creek to Brady and Berta's house. My Dad and Sharon were there to visit. Caleb got to play Uncle Brady's Wii and some Xbox games we don't have. He thought that was cool. Aunt Berta let Emma, Cat and Sarah (cousins) play with her make-up. Oh wow, what that a hit. I have to get the pictures from Berta - they are too good to pass up.

Saturday morning we went to the zoo. I love zoos a LOT, but we did get pretty hot there. We drank a lot of water and went in the shade, when possible. The orangatuans were my favorite this time at the zoo. The baby was a riot -- so smart!

Rick and I got to spend a little bit of time alone Saturday night - yay! He left Sunday night but will be back on Thursday. I can't believe we are really truly going home! And cross your fingers, our house is under contract. We hope it will go through smoothly and quickly.

Just think, I will be sleeping my own bed in 4 nights. I hope to get home on Saturday in time to make it to the General Relief Society Broadcast. Is there anything going on before it at the Stake Center? I need to find out.

We're going home!!

2008-09-18T16:14:00.002-07:00

We are so excited -- we are going home! We are leaving early next Thursday morning, one week from TODAY! It happened so fast that now it seems like there is much to do to get ready to go home. I hope Mom won't be finding things all over her house for the next month that we forgot. And it will be an adjustment for all of us again. I have to get used to being married again -- just kidding. That will be nice. The kids will have to get used to having a quiet house without cousins next door to play with. They will each miss that! I will miss everyone here, too, but having our family back together again outweighs all of that.

The Results are in!

2008-09-11T14:48:00.007-07:00

Okay, the results are in and, we are thankful to say that they are good! The only part that was a little disheartening was that, apparently, there was more cancer spread throughout my body than we initially knew. So, when we found out all the improvement, our first response was: what? we didn't know there had been cancer there! Maybe now it is good that I didn't know; if I had known how widespread it was, who knows if I would have fought so hard when I was sooooo terribly sick right before the surgery. But now I know and all the places have either gotten drastically smaller or are gone.

Here is what the Dr. wants me to do: chemo every other week for 3 rounds (1st one starting tomorrow), so that would put us here for another month. I have to decide. So we may not be home to Texas until the second week in October. *sigh* We'll see..... I might be able to only have 2 more rounds. We are playing it by ear right now.

The pictures of the kids are cute, huh (and what a cute Grandma and Baby Matthew)? Although you can tell that by the time we got to present-opening-time, Caleb was hot and sweaty from playing outside with cousins. :) They had fun and got seriously spoiled by Aunties and Uncles and Grandma! I love them and am so grateful for them! Rick and I would be so lonely without them! They have been trooopers through this whole experience. They have both grown in compassion for others and in understanding how prayer can really work!

And, one last picture: Emma is learning to make omelets. Omelets or granola seem to be the breakfasts of choice around here, lately.

The next PET scan is here!

2008-09-08T23:23:00.002-07:00

Okay, the PET scan is tomorrow - Tuesday, September 9th. I have to be there at 9:30 for the radioactive junk to get put into my blood for the 11:00am scan. I am praying so hard. I don't know when I get the results, but it should be before the end of the week.

Also, my liver enzymes started dropping!!!! That is a great sign. We are so happy!

So, when I post again it should be with good results - I hope, I hope!

Another reason to post is to put up some pictures of the kids. Their cousins and aunts and uncles celebrated their birthdays on Sunday (pretty early, but it was the weekend that worked). The kids got spoiled rotten by their aunts and uncles! They were so happy and excited. And I was tired! I had to make 2 cakes on Saturday/Sunday. Caleb did want to decorate his own and that was ok with me. This is monkey business having kids whose birthdays are right next to each other! :) September is an expensive month for us. Rick's birthday is August 26, Emma's is September 18 and Caleb's is September 19th. I had a good incentive (okay, bribe) for them today to get their schoolwork done quickly; they could play with all their new stuff as soon as they were finished. I have never seen Emma get done sooooo cheerfully and soooooo quickly!

So, Caleb and Emma get to celebrate their birthdays 2 times. They don't mind. We will celebrate it again on their real birthdays when Rick comes into town the 18th - 21.

2008-09-04T14:56:00.001-07:00

Okay, I am trying not to worry a lot, it could be nothing. The last few blood tests they have drawn at the Dr's have shown elevated liver enzymes: which could mean several things, one of which is cancer in the liver. I wasn't worried at first, but it went up even more this week. Dr. Lodi moved up the next PET scan to next Tuesday or Wednesday to "check things out". They said not to worry, but that is definitely easier said than done. I am so set on going home by the end of this month that I don't want anything to go wrong. I am praying that it is nothing. The office is scheduling the PET scan and I will know by tomorrow if it will be on Tuesday or Wednesday. Enough time to worry. I hope the time flies by for me until then.

2008-09-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, once again I feel like a slacker, but it is nice to be "too busy" to catch up on the blog. Things have been really busy!! We have had a fun last couple of weeks.

I went to the temple all by myself. What an accomplishment. Whew! It was a test of faith, but once I got there, I felt so silly that I had doubted. Everyone was so nice and helpful, and, I was glad to see that I didn't need much help. :) Rick went the same day to the San Antonio Temple so we could "be in the temple together." I know: soooo romantic. Well, we tried.

We had a GREAT time with Rick when he was here. We had a big birthday dinner for him with family and friends here on the Sunday before his birthday and then (THANK YOU Aunt Karson) Rick and I went out alone on his birthday. It was nice to be together!!!!

We had a really fun time in San Diego visiting Uncle Jon and Aunt Megan and their family. We went to Old Town and the beach and the San Diego Zoo. My favorite part (as you can tell by my including the picture) of the zoo were the meerkats. And I never knew giraffes had such personality! It was very very fun. Aunt Megan should be buff now after pushing me so much in the wheelchair that day -- up and down ALL those hills. The San Diego Temple was open for a few hours Monday morning for the Labor Day holiday, so Rick and I got up early and went and did a session -- finally REALLY together in the temple. And it was a dream for Rick since he had grown up in San Diego, but then moved for his Sr. year in High School and then was on his mission when the temple was completed. Other than seeing a sealing room at Barry's and Avery's wedding, we had never seen the inside. It is very very beautiful!

This morning I had to take Rick to the airport which was hard for both of us. Back to being apart. *sigh* The kids and I got right into school after breakfast, though, which helped me stay busy. They did a great job after about 2 1/2 months of NO school. It will be nice to be in a routine again.

I am continuing to feel good, although I am tired sometimes since I go, go, go a lot. After feeling so encumbered and unable to go and do, I just want to go, go, go and often I do a bit much. I still get sick from the treatments, so I really don't go too much Monday - Thursday, but on Fridays and Saturdays, I seem to make up for it and then some. I will continue to learn my limits. I am so grateful for all the help I receive.

It is continually brought to my attention how mindful Heavenly Father is of all his children. I know He loves me and my husband and my children. I am so grateful. I don't know what the rest of my life holds in store, but I am so grateful to know I am not alone in any of this. I am grateful for a Savior who thinks I am worth believing in. I am grateful for all He has done for me. I am grateful for temples, for the gospel and prophets who lead us today. On Sunday, in my brother's ward in San Diego, they talked a lot about Proposition 8 (the amendment to the State Constitution about marriage between only a man and a woman). I am so grateful for the Proclamation to the World from our leaders. I am grateful for others around the world who also stand for the family and also fight to keep the family unit strong. I know that if we can keep families strong, our nation will be stronger.

2008-08-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

Finally! I am writing in here again. Things are going well. We had a great time in Texas sleeping in our own beds and seeing some of our friends. We wish we could have been there longer to see EVERYONE! My goal is to be back by the beginning of October - for good! Keep your fingers crossed.......

Back in Arizona, I am in treatments again. The public schools started on Monday, so that has made things quiet around here during the day. We haven't started school yet, though. We probably will start after Labor Day, although Caleb and Emma need more to do during the day, so we may not make it that far. But Uncle Jon and Aunt Megan and their kids are coming next week and then RICK is coming FOR OVER A WEEK, so I didn't want to start school with all of that going on. We are excited to spend time with Rick when he comes. We have missed him so much!

As far as my progress, Dr. Lodi is going to order another PET scan the second week of September to see where we are at. I am hoping it will be good enough at that point that he will let me go home and come back to AZ every other week for chemo.

Life as a one-legged person continues to be an adjustment. I am getting around really well: driving, shopping, etc. I find that the place I have the hardest time is opening doors to stores and keeping my balance. I will get there. I feel better than I have in a very long time. It is nice to be back to doing "Mom" things again, although it takes me a little longer. Whoever thought that riding the little carts in the stores would be a perk, well, it is ok, but did you know that those wretched little buggers beep when you back up? It is insanely loud and sooooooo embarassing! :)

Most of all, it is nice to feel like playing and singing again. I am so grateful to be alive and getting better! I am grateful for all the prayers and help our family has been recipients of. I am grateful for the Savior and all that the Atonement is coming to mean to me.

2008-08-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a very long time since I last posted. I will catch it up in the next few days, but I am posting now to let everyone know I am alive and doing absolutely WONDERFUL!!!!!

2008-07-23T06:25:00.000-07:00

This last week has been busy busy going back to the Dr for treatments, working with a home health care nurse, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, and trying to be somewhat of a presence in my kids' lives. Sleep was better for a few nights and I found myself starting to build up my strength a smidge. Rick was here until Friday and we missed him right away when he was gone. We are sad that he won't be able to work from Mesa anymore, so anytime we see him will be on a weekend he can come or at the end of August when he will take some vacation time to be with us. It just all seems so far apart.

My hair didn't lose anytime falling out faster than ever with starting chemo treatments this past week. I made my sister and sister-in-law promise me on Sunday that they will tell me when I need a wig. Ugh. It is too hot here, but I will never go completely bald - so I won't do the shaved thing.

On a good note - I drove the other day for the first time. Easy as ever! AND I finally got to get in the pool on Saturday!!!!! It felt soooooooooo good! On Monday my Occupational Therapist worked with me on balance doing exercises in the pool. It made it more fun and less stressful since I knew I wasn't going to fall over, but it was hard - very good for my flabby stomach.

My Mom, Caleb and Emma and I are driving to Austin for a few days this weekend to go through some house things and see some people (like Rick). We are excited, even though we know we won't get to see even half the people we want to see in this very very quick trip. I am so glad I am feeling up to it and feeling more able at doing more things. It is exciting to be getting a little more independence.

2008-07-14T03:00:00.001-07:00

Okay, it is 3:00am and I have been trying to get back to sleep for 2 hours now and am giving up. I am about ready to have Rick go get the hammer to put me out of my misery. :) Some nights are better than others and this one will not go down in my history as being one of the best. And after SUCH a terrific day........

Yesterday morning Lauree Strong came to visit from Austin and it was great to see her! And with her she brought presents from the Round Rock ward. I couldn't believe it! The kids were thrilled with their boxes and notes (Emma was still packing her box around last night at 8:00) and I LOVED the notes from the Relief Society and the picture Lauree brought that Jamie had made. I am so grateful for all that Round Rock Ward has done for us! They have surely gone far beyond the call of duty to help our family. I am overwhelmed and it gives me something to work for so I can be of service to others someday. I know the Church is the Church everywhere, but I will always, always, remember Round Rock Ward with such happiness and love -- as a great example of what a ward can be when people love the Savior and want to serve His people.

As far as me, I have been working on my crutches (they are the kind that go around your arm- not the ones that go under your arm). They are harder for me and very scary. With a walker (which makes me feel like I am 85), if I am doing something and I lose my balance, I can grab the walker. With the crutches, if I lose my balance, I am going DOWN! But I am determined to get used to using them, because going somewhere like Church would be easier with crutches.

I also start chemo again this week. I have lost enough hair, so I am not anxious for this to start again. BUT the PET scan they did in the hospital compared with the PET scan they did in
April showed HUGE results. I went over it with my Dr. this week. I was amazed. And I feel so much more hopeful.

I will end with a funny little story. On Friday, I finally got a Port put in. It was NOT fun going back to a hospital, but at least I knew I would be leaving in a few hours this time. Anyway, when the Dr. doing the procedure came to talk to me, he said, "you are little enough that this will show through your skin". I could have kissed him! It has been years since anyone has said I was "little" enough for anything. I know I still have a little ways to go, but to be told that was great! It is too bad I had to get so sick to lose all the weight without even trying after years of struggling sooooo much with trying to lose weight and not figuring out why it wasn't working.

I am grateful for the peace that came to me today in Relief Society when we were hearing a lesson on prayer and personal revelation. I am so grateful to know that I can pray and receive answers to my prayers. I don't know where I would be without that. What a loving Heavenly Father we have who hasn't left us alone on the earth -- no matter how alone and scared we might feel at times.

2008-07-06T15:09:00.002-07:00

Okay, here are some pictures. None of them are flattering of me, but I put them up anyway. This last week has been full of memory making moments that I will treasure forever. Having 2 sisters here and having Rick come and having my kids come back has made for a great week!

It was so fun to have Angela here, but I didn't get any pictures with her here and I am sad about that. I missed her as soon as she was gone. Deborah leaves today and I will miss her terribly. She has been attentive and has even slept with me several times when my Mom was worried about me and needed some sleep herself. My kids sure love their aunties!!!!!!! Speaking of which, my kids came home from Aunt Rebecca's house so loved and treasured! They had a huge lunch for the plane and toys to play with and they made memories at both Deborah's and Becca's houses that will last them for their lifetime.

We went to see "Kit Kittredge: An American Girl" on Friday as a HUGE group of girls. It was such fun! And it was fun to go see a movie for the first time in a long time. Emma now loves the Kit doll and likes to look at her on the American Girl website.

On Saturday, Rick and I went for a little date. We went to Macaroni Grill and for the first time in several years I was able to sit in a booth. Such a silly thing to make a big deal about, but it was so nice! Then we stopped at Seagull Book and had a good time looking in there. It was just nice to be out together.

This morning we went with Sarah and her kids to the Mesa Temple grounds and Visitor's Center. We saw the art exhibit of the Savior that is up now and it was a very touching and spiritual experience for all of us -- even my kids just loved it and want to go back to see it soon before it leaves the Visitor's Center at the end of July.

I feel so blessed. When I saw the picture in the art exhibit of the Savior walking on water, I felt very emotional. When I took my first step off the hospital bed, I was nervous and not sure what to expect. I have felt the Savior's support and comfort so much in this new journey. He has surely been beside me and helped me to do more than I ever thought I could do. The physical and occupational therapists still are surprised, but I know where my strength comes from. Heavenly Father wants me to be a mother. He is allowing me to stay here on earth to be with my husband and kids and I need to learn to be as independent as possible for them and for my confidence in being a mother and wife. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I cannot ever say I have been alone. Help from the other side and help on this side from family and friends has helped me to get up every day and work hard.

2008-07-03T15:45:00.001-07:00

I do have a few pictures, but I haven't put them on my computer yet -- so they will have to come on next time. I have had a few more drug withdrawal "episodes", but the last one was 3 days ago and it was short. So, hopefully, I am done!!!!

My kids came home today!!!!!!!!!!!! It has been GREAT to see them. I think they each grew 6 inches while they were gone, they each look so big! Rick surprised me at the airport -- he is here for the 4th of July weekend. What a great weekend it will be. I am so excited.

I am learning to get around the house better. I can shower completely by myself now. It seems so silly to be excited about something so simple, but it is a step towards independence. Getting dressed, getting in the car, showering, getting around the house, etc. I am getting there. I am so impatient. I want to be able to do it all NOW!

Right now I am so lucky to have some sisters here. Deborah came from Spokane, WA and Angela came from Bluffton, SC. It makes me miss the other sisters, but it is fun. On Wednesday morning all the sisters and sisters-in-law and Mom went to the temple. It was sooooo nice to be there after so many months of not being able to go, but I have to admit, I was anxious because of not knowing what to do and where to go in a wheelchair.

Happy 4th of July!

2008-06-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, I finally got to go home on Wednesday. I was so glad to be home from the hospital! Little did I know what was waiting for me for the next few days. Because one of the Dr.s in the hospital had been sooooooo controlling with my medications, I was a mess. So, I went home and started drug withdrawal for the next few days. Whew! what a mess! The last few days I was in the hospital this particular Dr. upped several meds. I kept saying I didn't want that and she went against me and did it anyway. There were several medications she wanted to start that I declined and I think it upset her, so the ones she had control over, she started controlling. So, the night I got home, I started throwing up, sweating, shaking, feeling like I was going crazy in my head, etc. 'The next day was worse. My Aunt Ethleen came over and TOOK over -- to the relief of my mom. She is an RN and she worked with Dr. Lodi and Mom got fluids, minerals, other things to give me. Things weren't perfect for the next few days, but I woke up this morning feeling like me. I don't need to go into detail, but drug withdrawal is a very scary experience.

I am so glad to be feeling better now, because my sister Deborah is here for the next week and my sister Angela is coming in a few days for a few days. We will have so much fun together. I am so grateful they are here. Sisters are the best! My cousin Bryan came last week and I hated being sick while he was here. It was still good to see him and I am so grateful to him for making the trip.

Learning to do things with one leg is a whole new world for me. I am determined to get it all, but I have to admit that there are way too many things I took for granted. Just getting in the shower is quite the to do. But I will get it. I appreciate Rick and all the work he is doing on the house. Regardless of where we end up we have to sell our house. I have to do a one story. And I appreciate all the people in the ward who have helped. It is very humbling.

Thanks everyone for the love and support. I appreciate it. We love you all!

2008-06-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures from a “photo shoot” the kids and I did to surprise Rick for Father’s Day and one of Emma and Abby enjoying the AZ heat. I wanted to include a picture of Caleb coming home from Cub Scout Day Camp, but he was always sooooo tired and WE were usually so tired (it was usually 11:00pm before he got home), we always forgot. But he had a GREAT time and we are grateful! The shirts and hats were darling and a great hit! He was always filthy and smiling and stinky. Is there any other way to spell success with a Cub Scout activity?

As far as the surgery, I am recovering ok. Everyone says I am progressing at miraculous speed. I just think I am impatient and anxious to GET GOING! I can get myself dressed all the way from the skin out. I can go to the bathroom by myself, I can get into a wheelchair and use it (same with a walker), I am getting there. Everyone is so supportive and encouraging. I am very grateful!! As far as Stake Conference, thanks to everyone who was so helpful!

Stake Conference will be amazing, I know there will be a General Authority there. Enjoy it for me.

2008-06-19T23:29:00.000-07:00

Preface: Rick is writing this post. It's not the drugs talking... ;o)

First and second surgeries went well. Dr Seidel said things went really smoothly and her vitals were really strong through the procedures.

There's still a lot of pain, but Anna's spirits are up. Anna has enjoyed everyone's ideas on the benefits of having only one leg. She's put together quite a list. The humor has been good for all of us and it falls right in line with Anna's coping mechanism. However, I think I took it over the top on the humor though when I suggested we change her name to Eileen.

Physical and Occupational Therapy is progressing nicely. I have been so impressed with Anna's ability to take on the challenge of re-learning how to perform daily activities. Unfortunately, she doesn't give herself enough credit on the victories she makes everyday, but she's getting better at it.

There's still a long road ahead, but we've got lots of help from above.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. We have felt your faith and are grateful for this miracle.

2008-06-14T09:44:00.001-07:00

This post will definitely pop a few eyes out.

After being sick all last weekend, I was admitted to the hospital Mon morning.
Dr Seidel (the surgeon) is monitoring my care until surgery. After having a myriad of tests (x-rays, CT scans, a MRI, a PET scan, and bloodwork), we had a difficult choice to make.

The first choice was the amputation of my leg, which would remove the tumor and infection at once. This is because the tumor inoperable because it was so large and twisted around muscle, nerves, and tissue. This option would have a faster and easier recovery.

The 2nd choice was to "leave it alone", "enjoying the time I had left", and "going whole". After discussing w/ Dr. Seidel what the prognosis was for "time left", I realized that if I just left it alone, I wouldn't see a lot of "time left" because the infection was so bad that it would be a matter of a few weeks not years.

So… we have decided on getting the amputation done. It will happen Monday morning at 8am. I am scared, but I feel so at peace with this. And that did NOT happen overnight. J There are 3 Orthopedic Oncological Surgeons in the State and none of them take the insurance we have, so we will have to figure that out, too. I am still in the hospital and will be until after the surgery – about 3-5 days after. I don't have a lot to do, but the pain medication makes me loopy and VERY sleepy, so I spend a lot of time sleeping. I am afraid I haven't been good company for anyone who has come to visit, since I have either been crying or falling asleep when they come.

We told Caleb and Emma on Thursday afternoon. Emma started to cry and Caleb's eyes got very large and he got very serious for a minute. Then, he aksed, "Mom, will you get one of those robotic legs?" Emma got very interested in the conversation at that point. Caleb was disappointed that I wasn't getting a robotic leg, but then he said, "Well, at least you can get one of those Handicap Parking things for going anywhere." J I love that!

Here is a list we came up with of reasons that having one leg is great or why using a wheelchair or crutches are better:

I only have to shave one leg
Maybe pedicures will be ½ price for me
My socks will last twice as long
Going to a place like Sea World or the San Diego Zoo will be great: we will have a place to hang bags, etc and a lap for little people to sit on for a ride when their legs get tired of walking.
If I fly Southwest, I can always pre-board if I want to.

Here is our challenge to YOU:

We want you to send as many reasons that I will have it so easy. I could use reading them, and what a great list it could be. SEND THEM IN!

I have some really cute pictures of the kids. I will get them on soon.

2008-06-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

We found a surgeon. Let's hope he can do this. I am getting scheduled for an MRI -- hopefully, on Monday -- so I can meet with the surgeon on Tuesday. He is an Orthopedic Oncological Surgeon, so this is up his alley. I am praying for him or any other surgeon we come in contact with. I don't know who is going to actually do the surgery, but Heavenly Father does, so I am praying that whoever does it will be prepared and kind and extremely knowledgeable to best help me. From what we can tell the tumor has separated a lot from the rest of my leg in the back (there aren't fingers wrapping around the front that we can feel anymore), so hopefully the surgery will be less invasive than it would have been 6 years ago. Plus, we have the chemo treatments we are doing now to catch anything the surgeon can't. I am petrified when I think about the surgery, so we have been trying to think of all the good things: being able to fit in pants again, being able to SIT in a chair, not lugging around 30 extra pounds with me when I can walk again. :) AND, hopefully, we can be DONE with this infection that continues to plague me and keep me sick. I am so done with fevers and all the junk that comes with infection.

The kids are enjoying summer life here. They swim every day and play lots with cousins.

Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement. I appreciate it. It is working.

2008-05-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been anything super exciting in the last few days to report. The tumor is still trying to come out, it still hurts like bad words and we are starting to explore options of surgery and who to do it. I didn't like my options of surgery 6 1/2 years ago here in the Phoenix area and we are hoping to find that that situation has changed since I could continue treatments sooner after surgery with no travel involved. Our insurance is in Texas - which could possibly lead us to MD Anderson in Houston (the #2 sarcoma center in the nation) - but I would have to stay and recuperate longer before travelling and continuing treatments back in Mesa. If worst comes to worst, Dr. Lodi still knows people in New York from when he was at Columbia University, but travelling there and back would not be pleasant not to mention the expense of getting it done there and staying there - whew! We will do whatever is best. The infection is back - raging full force and I was pretty sick last weekend. And there are new sores on my leg where the tumor is trying to come through. That is why we are going to look in all the surgery options. Surgery can be a death-sentence for sarcomas, but I have IPT now (the form of administering chemo) that we didn't have before and we will be trusting in that a lot. We'll see.

A couple funny from the kids in the last few days:

On Monday, Rick gathered the kids around to talk about Memorial Day. He had spent time reading about all the wars from the Revolutionary War to present talking about the number of people who fought and died and the history behind Memorial Day. We also read Uncle Randy's great email and looked at the pictures he sent. When we got to talking about the Middle East, Grandma brought up how fast we got to Baghdad and how the whole world watched it on tv, Caleb piped with how fast the bad guys got out of there and how they had to hurry "ON THEIR CAMELS." He is so smart and knows so much about so many things, it was so fun to see that there is still little boy in there with him thinking that they all ride camels over there in this day and age. My Mom and I were giggling as quietly as we could without him seeing. "Giddy-up camels, hurry, hurry, the U.S. are coming!"

Last night when I was putting Emma to bed she had a wind-up teddy-bear with her that played a nifty little version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star". She likes me to sing to her after we read to snuggle for a minute, so she said, "Let it go for a minute, Mom, it plays 3 songs: Twinkle, Twinkle, Baa Baa Black Sheep, and ABC's". I was thinking it must have played little variations. I listened to it a few times before I started singing with it and each time it played the same thing. I cracked up thinking that SHE heard 3 different songs just by what she sang. So I sang each one for her to the same tune and she was happy as a lark that she got al three songs.

Okay, so I think they are cute kids. I will keep them. It has also been nice to have Rick here. He has been so helpful and has fixed food, played with kids, and has been getting up at 5:00 to start work by 7:00am Austin-time. Nice for me, because then I didn't feel bad asking him to stop yesterday at 3:45, knowing that it was almost 6:00pm Austin-time. :) He's tuckered by 8:00pm, so I better start getting to bed earlier with him.

2008-05-21T06:24:00.002-07:00

Caleb at a Diamondbacks Baseball game with Uncle Spencer, McKay and Kaden.

2008-05-21T06:24:00.001-07:00

Caleb at a Diamondback's Baseball game with Uncle Spencer, McKay and Kaden

This picture is for Aunt Deborah's sake. Abigail is feeling much better about her hair after playing spa with her cousins. :) Many thanks to Auntie Berta and Grandma!

Caleb is enjoying being back in Karate!

Emma, Gracie and Abby planting Sunflower Seed SHELLS. They were mighty disappointed that nothing grew, but it kept them busy for 3 hours one Saturday morning! We'd better get them some real seeds.

Doesn't Emma look beautiful! Aunt Karson made the cake, helped her decorate it AND painted her fingernails AND curled her hair for a fun Girls Night. Emma was thrilled!

Cute kids, huh? I am a bit prejudiced, but I love them!

More stuff on the sore, the tumor, etc. Good and bad, well gross. I guess we could call it the good, the bad and the ugly. I won't show pictures of THAT

Good first: the tumor has shrunk MORE this week. We are truly grateful. I am hoping it continues at this rate. SOMETHING has to make this pain worth it.

Bad (not BAD just gross) news: The next part gets a bit gross, so don't read if you might get queasy. I am back on more anti-biotics; yes, a little more infection, and watching to keep it at bay because -- the sore is nothing more than the tumor itself coming out through the skin. UGH! Dr. Lodi (while he is trying to be compassionate about the pain) is ecstatic. He has seen it do this many times with breast cancer, but never with a liposarcoma, but he isn't completely surprised. Apparently, the tumor is now dying and at a faster rate than my body can absorb it and tackle it internally, so it is literally pushing it out. Raw tissue being exposed (plus the pushing out) makes me want to say bad words, but that doesn't make it feel any better, so what is the point? There is no fun in being naughty enough to say the words.

So.....I hope it keeps going quickly (relatively speaking), because that would make this pain a lot more bearable and seem worth it. Actually the pain is NOT really very bearable, but it would be worth it. :)

My hair loss has slowed down a LOT, but I am still cutting some off -- any input on style? It still has to be long enough for a pony because it is now over 100 degrees here and I have days I just don't feel up to fixing my hair.

Rick is coming on Friday to stay for 3 weeks. We are excited to have him here. Let's hope we all still love being together all day every day after 3 weeks. With the kids homeschooling, playing with cousins and lots going on at Grandma's house, Rick working from home, helping out with meals, etc and me at the Dr. most of each day, it could get crazy. :)

2008-05-16T05:50:00.001-07:00

Good news flash:

Yesterday, in checking this horrible sore (I promise I won't swear although I feel like it at moments - it hurts like*%#@*!) Dr. Lodi measured the big tumor in my leg. It has gone down by 30 cm since I have been here! With what I have gone through lately, I would have taken 10 cm. Also the tumor by my shoulder continues to shrink. We haven't measured it, but it is smaller. We can tell. As I have lost weight up on the top of my body, it has gotten smaller, too. It would be more pronounced as I've lost weight if it hadn't shrunk, so we know. Plus, Rick is a good judge. Since he doesn't see me for 2 weeks at a time, he can tell when he comes.

Keep the prayers coming -- I believe in them!!!!! We are going to lick this! It makes the hair I lost the other day worth it. I will lose all my hair to see this GONE! Hair can grow back!

Thanks to everyone for their love and support! I am so humbled with all the ANGELS that Heavenly Father has sent into my life.

2008-05-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I AM still alive. I didn't realize it had been soooo long since I had posted. Honestly, the last 2 weeks have been incredibly rough!!! To put it slightly. The infection I mentioned earlier flared to a pretty scary degree. I had a low grade fever during the morning which would start to go up to around 102 - 103 or higher at night. It never left and I was a pretty sick puppy for the last 2 weeks. After a weird heart/breathing thing last Friday which landed me a trip in an ambulance to the hospital, I guess my body decided that that was it. Friday night (or more accurately Saturday morning) at 2:30am, my fever BROKE. I woke up absolutely drenched from head to toe. I was so excited, I woke up Rick (who was here visiting). He was happy for me, but in the middle of the night, I didn't get much reaction from him. :)

So, it took a couple of days after that to feel more back to normal, but I am feeling much spunkier now FOR REAL and getting out of bed isn't such an incredibly hard thing to do.

The kids weathered the sickness, but I think I wore everyone around me out. I hate that. Mom isn't getting well like she should, Aunt Karson is sick now after taking so much care of me and my kids, Aunt Sarah must be WORN out, too. Hopefully, now, I can step back into being a MOM. My days are long at the clinic sometimes and I feel like a working mom. *sigh*

In the middle of being sick, my picc line starting clotting so badly that we couldn't use it and the Dr. wanted it OUT. With the infection, they couldn't put in a port, so last week, with a fever and feeling like death, I had the picc line taken in and a TAK line put in my chest. It wasn't fun. But the Dr. is sure that the reason I couldn't get rid of the infection after ALL the antibiotics I was on, is because it was in the picc line, too. He is probably right, since 2 days after getting it out the fever broke finally.

The kids started swimming lessons this week and Caleb is now back in karate, so they are finding activities here. It is good. They still love playing with cousins and think they are abused if a day goes that they don't see any cousins to play with ( I think it has happened only 2 or 3 times the whole time we have been here). They are good kids and I am glad they are here with me. We miss Rick like crazy and look forward to the times he can come.

Hopefully, next time I can report something a little more cheerful. The good news is: I think we have the infection beat! I am still finishing my last antibiotic, but then I think we are done! Hallelujah!

2008-05-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while. I am sorry - thanks to everyone who has asked. I feel so silly doing this. It feels self-centered.

The above pictures are Caleb playing Legos with cousin Kaden Knopp. Rick and Caleb hanging out in Uncle Spencer and Aunt Karson's pool. And Emma literally hanging around with cousin Abby Thomason.

The last week has been a bit tougher for me than I wanted. I started getting a fever right after I last posted. I didn't talk about it, thinking I was detoxing. But I was feeling pretty crummy. My thinking was, "If I complained about all the pain and aches, I would never shut up. It doesn't do any good and it is yucky to be around!!!!" Besides, you kind of get used to not feeling good sometimes. Anyway, by the next day when I told Mom I had a fever that wouldn't go away, she FREAKED!!!!!! She ran for the thermometer and when she saw 101.9, she ran me to the Dr. She scolded me the whole way there for not telling her. :) Sure enough, she was right, the sore on my leg was infected and from the blood tests they ran it had gone systemic. Ick! So, no port-a-cath until the infection is FOR SURE gone, but miraculously, my picc line started working that very day (which is good since even Dr. Lodi couldn't get an IV in my arm after 2 nurses tried). So I could go back to getting treatments immediately. On top of the treatments now, I am getting 2 oral antibiotics, 2 IV antibiotics every day and a shot in the rear antibiotic every day to take care of this infection. We thought we had it licked for the most part, but this week back came a 102.6 fever raging for a while and that is when the Dr. upped the antibiotics and added a few drugs. Such fun! So that is why I haven't updated. I haven't felt super duper and it is kind of depressing to talk about. BUT, today I woke up feeling the first bit of spunk that I have felt in several weeks. I overdid a bit since I felt good, but now I am ready for bed and to sleep.

THE KIDS ARE DARLING!!!!!! They have been great for the most part. Caleb has been a big help. He has worked soooooo hard on his schooling (he can tell you about the periodic table and has built molecules and explained them all to me with the correct structure -- he is amazing!) and he has been helping Grandma clean and organize. Emma has been NO help, but has sure gotten in a LOT of hard play.

Caleb is going on the father/son campout with Uncle Spencer tomorrow and is very very excited about that. Emma is planning a huge girls' night with cousin Abby. I will hopefully include pictures of these events next time. Good night!

2008-04-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't have much to report. Yesterday morning, I couldn't get a treatment done because there was some sort of blockage in my picc line. Since Dr. Lodi wants me to get a port anyway, they decided to just expedite that. So, no treatments until the port is in. It may get done tomorrow, we are just waiting on insurance approval. I am scared to death. I won't get put under; they just use pain meds and sedation, but it is still a little surgery. ack!! The nice part is that once I am over the soreness, etc. there is no maintenance for me. I can shower, swim, etc. With the picc line, it has been a pain -- I have to use the press and seal plastic wrap and keep the picc line dry and clean. The port will be under the skin. It will just hurt a little to access it every day -- just like a little shot. That has been the nice part of the picc line. I guess it will all be worth it. I would love love LOVE to get in the pool (when it is a smidge warmer) and just float -- taking that gravity off my leg. The tumor is soooo heavy to carry around!

So, hopefully, the next entry will have good news: back to treatments!

The kids are doing great! Their school is going well and they are already swimming when they can. What a blessing to be by cousins!

2008-04-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well, here are a couple of pictures from my birthday. What a day! I felt spoiled rotten all day long! Mom and Karson had made some flax seed crackers for me to take into the center to share with all the staff and my other patient friends. Just like bringing cupcakes to a class at school. :)

Dr. Lodi and I sat down and talked again on Friday. We went over the results of a GI panel and a hormone test I had had done in Austin and just got the results for. So now I am taking progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA on top of other things. We also went over the results of the PET scan. Dr. Lodi said it is as good as we can expect. Other than what we already know (the leg - duh- the shoulder, and the small spot in the back, there were small "spots" that showed up on one kidney, my liver and a spot in my abdomen. He said that they were small and couldn't be diagnosed specifically. He said that it could be places of inflammation, it could be the beginnings of something that we are catching early, it could be something that was there that is going away after 2 weeks of treatment -- basically, he said they were something I didn't need to worry about right now. AND, nothing showed up in the right breast -- so the little pebble that I had found that is pretty much gone, he said was nothing. Yay. Anyway, I was getting pretty teary when he told me about the "spots". He told me that they weren't worth losing sleep over, this is our starting point and we will continue to go forward. So, the good news is that there is nothing in my lungs, my brain, my bones, etc. And, Dr. Lodi was very very happy about that. ME TOO! I have to get another PET scan in 90 days and we'll see where we are then...

So, here is more good news: the tumor in my shoulder area is definitely smaller, softer and moves around a lot more. And the spot on my back is smaller and way flatter. So that is exciting. Now, lets get the leg in on the action. I am so impatient about that!!!!!!

Friday night, we had a fun girls' night with sisters and friends. Karson, Berta, Sarah, Mom, Brendl, Carla, and Polly all came over and we did each others feet and toes. It is so nice to have sassy toe nails again -- even though I can't wear sassy sandals yet to show them off. Hopefully it won't be long.

Thanks to everyone for their support and love. I am going to lick this and get my life back! I am going to be one of those miracle stories. I already am. :)

2008-04-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

Today I went for a PET scan. Ugh! All I can say is that I am glad it wasn't an MRI; this was bad enough. But it is over. I don't know if I really want the results if they aren't good. It won't change what I am doing. If they just show what I already know -- that is good. I am going to try to be tough. Dr. Lodi is in Korea this week and won't be in the office until Friday. Maybe I will get the results then.

After my treatment at the center, I got home to boxes of presents. Wow!!!!! I was so surprised and touched, I just sat there and bawled! My kids said I have to wait until my birthday to open them, so I don't know what any are yet. But it looks like some friends in Austin had a party for me and sent it here. I am so touched! There is more to look forward to on my birthday than getting chemo and having a colonic! :)

We are sad that Rick hurt his ankle playing volleyball and hope that it isn't broken. Golly, he goes to get exercise and is having a great time and BAM! So my prayers are with him tonight and I wish I could be there. I am grateful for all the people looking out for him!

Our family has just been so supported and taken care of -- I am sooooo grateful for friends, family, and the Lord.

2008-04-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

Today was the easiest IPT (chemo) day so far in the fact that it took the least time. I still felt pretty cruddy when I got home, but things went smoother at the center. After having another "moment" yesterday where I needed a little reviving, they are watching me like hawks. Yesterday my blood pressure went down to 76/32 before I said anything about not feeling very good. They weren't happy with me. I just thought I was feeling a little nauseous and clammy. I didn't know.... I know a lot of it has to do with me already having low blood pressure as a rule and then doing a juice fast on top of that tends to give people low blood pressure. So, I have to be careful. But I am continuing the juice fast -- after Thursday (which is my 14 day mark), I will take it a day or two at a time. I am not committing to a juice fast for months. But, I have someone making my juice for me and soooooo much help with Caleb and Emma, that I need to see this through.

Some people have asked what is in my green juice. Here is the daily recipe:
dandelion greens
kale
spinach
celery
cucumber
lemon (to get rid of the bitter taste from the greens)
green apple (to sweeten it up a little -- green apples are very low in sugar so I can include them and Dr. Lodi says that if the juice doesn't taste good, what is the point; you're not going to want to drink it)

I drink about 3 qts of that each day. That is my food. I am pretty done at this point with not chewing, but on Thursday for my birthday, I might splurge with some homemade flax seed crackers that Mom and Karson made to take to the center (you know, like how kids bring cupcakes on their birthday -- I am bringing flax seed crackers to all my little friends and nurses)

On IPT days, right after they adminster the chemo and the other drugs, I get to have my sugar splurge to get my blood sugar back up quickly. On the juice fast, that means more juice. But this juice is AMAZING! My Mom has mandarin orange trees in her back yard and she peels the oranges and drops the sections into the juicer and I get this thick, beautiful orange juice that is the sweetest thing you have ever tasted! 2 qts of it every Tues and Thurs. When I am done with the juice fast, I will get to eat a banana or orange or watermelon or some high sugar fruit. Then a salad with olive oil on it. Apparently, olive oil can be huge in not letting your blood sugar fall. So, high sugar fruit to bring it back up and then olive oil to keep it there.

So there is a little info on my eating. Sorry if it is boring. I thought it would be great to get it down.

One last note -- GO ALI for winning Biggest Loser! Finally a girl! And isn't she darling!!!!

2008-04-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

There isn't much to report today. I just thought I would put up some pictures that we took this weekend. Some of the family and one of the kids on their hike. For those of you who don't know, the 2 cute boys in the front of the picture from the hike are Kaden and Kohl Knopp, two cousins who live here in Mesa. This weekend has been full of cousin fun -- which we are so grateful for. The kids are making great relationships and memories to last a long time.

I haven't been in much pain today -- I have just been dealing with a lot of swelling. We'll get it under control....

Today in Church some women sang "This is the Christ" by James E. Faust. I have always loved that song. Today, as I listened to their beautiful voices I was touched by the line, "How many drops of blood were shed for me?" I am so grateful for the Savior, for His Atonement, His great love and care for each of us. I know we each must come to the Savior on our own -- He will not force us -- and the usually what brings us there is being humbled. There are moments when suffering is so hard, but I am not as Job yet (not even a comparison). If this is what the Savior wants me to go through to be the person He wants me to be, I will try to do it more cheerfully and with less complaining. I have so much to be thankful for! I have many great examples all around me of people who have smiled through trials. My goal is to be more like them. Being here with brothers and sisters and friends has given me an opportunity to see what good people I have in my life. My brothers and sisters and their spouses here are so brave and so selfless. I am very grateful for them and their support of our little family while we are here! They have all sacrificed and are sacrificing a lot for us. I am growing to admire them more every day. I am so lucky to have the family I have. Parents, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews......... the list goes on.

I need to go to sleep. It is WAY too late. I was falling asleep trying to download pictures 2 hours ago. Now, for some reason, I am wide wide awake.

2008-04-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I got one picture today. The red in the tube is my blood -- is that cool? Yes, no. I know it is a little gross. One of the treatments is taking out 200cc of blood, mixing a bunch of stuff with it, and putting it back into my body. That was one of the treatments today. Definitely the easiest of the day. Tracey is one of my favorite nurses. She is really great. She is kind of like a mother hen and really watches over me. Later today, after a different procedure I had a "moment". I got really loopy and dizzy and didn't realize how 'off'' I was until I got up to walk to the bathroom. One of the nurses basically caught me as I was falling across the room. Then Tracey and Michelle (the other nurse) started to hustle. They monitored me and didn't leave my side for about 30 minutes. They had Dr. Lodi come in and then he kept checking on me. I just wanted to sleep, but, since one of my issues apparently was my blood sugar, they wouldn't let me sleep at first. Even after I was doing better, I got checked very carefully the rest of the afternoon. It is nice to know they are so careful. I finally did get a good nap, though, while my IV finished.

Rick got here tired and we were all disappointed about that. In other words, he wasn't much fun today. He is paying for it by having me put it here. :) He is awake enough now to be playing xBox with Caleb, which makes Caleb happy, so that is good. Tomorrow he is taking the kids hiking, swimming, and shopping for birthday presents for cousins and their Mom. So he will get to redeem himself in his kids' eyes. Even tired, though, Rick was helpful by watching Matthew for Spencer and Karson while they got ready for their date. Then he snuggled Emma while she didn't feel good. It really is good just to have him there.

My pain is down again today and the tumor is definitely less swollen. And no IV's until Monday. Hurrah! I have a PET scan scheduled for Wednesday morning and I don't know if I want to know the results of that. I am sure curiosity will win out. I just don't know if I really want to know if it has spread to places I didn't know about. There are enough I DO know about. Signing off until Monday or so......

2008-04-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

I know I am stealing the above picture from an email my sister Sarah sent out, but it is too pertinent to how I feel to not include.

I have felt so many gathered together with me -- angels I can see and some I cannot -- to strengthen me this week. There have been moments when I have pleaded for strength to hang on a little longer. Sometimes I have felt alone as I prayed; then I would get an email from someone or a phone call and I would know that there are others kneeling with me out there . This is so humbling for me!

This has been a tough week in some ways. I started experiencing an immense amount of pain this weekend. Sunday we added a second patch of Fentanyl (I refuse to get any higher than I am now -- 50 mg -- as I don't like thinking about having to come off of them at some point). This did the trick, but between the drugs and not having as much pain for the first time in so long, I could not keep my eyes open for the next 3 days. Through every treatment, every conversation I tried to have --I would just doze off. Finally, Tuesday afternoon, I broke my small fever, sweated and slept and woke feeling more lucid.

I have tried not to be discouraged about not being healed in the 7 days I have been here. I know it sounds silly and impatient, but I just want all these drugs and treatments to knock the tumors out YESTERDAY! But Dr. Lodi is encouraged with the small results we have seen. The anaerobic sores on the tumor on my leg are healing (ever so slowly) and the big tumor is softer. that is ALWAYS a good sign as that means things are breaking down or can be broken down more easily.

Today I had the hardest time yet recovering from the chemo treatment. As I stumbled out to the car when Mom came to get me, I opened the door and there were 3 cute little girls in the backseat all grinning at me. :) Cat, Emma, and Sarah. Sarah started to kick and smile and say, hi. Then she got serious and got to the important stuff: "My gum is all gone." It was just the right thing to see their faces to make me smile. Then tonight, when I had waited way too long to change the Fentanyl patches and was paying oh so dearly for it, Abby came over from Spencer's and Karson's and talked my ear off for about 45 minutes. So fun!

Emma has been my snuggle-bug all day and we both needed that! Caleb won't snuggle but he puts up with my hugs and kisses enough to let me know he is more glad for them than he will admit. It has been a rough time for them in a way, but they are sure having fun being around so many cousins!

I will take pictures of me at the center tomorrow to record what some of this looks like. Maybe I will even get Dr. Lodi to slow down enough for a picture.

Rick is coming tomorrow and we can't wait!

2008-04-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Here is a great example of what happens when you start your kids young on green juice! I was drinking my juice last night and little Sarah wanted some. I gave her a little glass and she would down it and say, "More, please" everytime.

Isn't she cute? It has been fun to be around so many cousins. It just makes us want to see all the others.

April 5, 2008

2008-04-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I am still trying to believe that Dr. Lodi and his staff are for real. It all seems too good to be true, so far. Dr. Lodi is extremely intelligent, passionate and caring. He is a Dr. 1st and foremost, but I have never met a doctor who is so accessible to his patients. He is amazing! He explains stuff more than I care about from a medical/science background -- but Mom loves it. :) Yesterday, when I was getting my first IPT (chemo) treatment, he came running in the room and asked the nurse if we had started yet. She said, no, she was about to. He was worried about my hemoglobin counts. They had looked low on the labs from Austin so they pulled more blood the day I got here to check them again. They were even lower. Dr. Lodi didn't want to do the IPT with them low, but he wanted to get going on attacking the cancer, so he and the nurse sat down first and figured out how to do the treatment, adding certain things, and then about an hour after the treatment the nurse was to give me an iron IV and procrit (sp?), which helps the bone marrow create more red blood cells. Then they brought me in today on a Saturday to do another treatment, plus to check my blood again and give me more iron and procrit. I felt bad that someone was having to come in on a Saturday morning and Dr. Lodi said, "Hey, healing is not a 5 day a week job. You will find that I am obsessive compulsive about details and all these kind of things. We have something serious to attack here and we will do what it takes."

The IPT treatment was very interesting. As they lowered my blood sugar, they checked my blood every 5 minutes. Then they administered 3 kinds of chemotherapy. There is one kind that will probably make my hair thin, but I shouldn't lose it all (that means I will probably cut my hair off so it isn't quite so obvious -- bye, bye long hair *sigh*). By then, I was feeling pretty loopy. They gave me dextrose to bring back up my blood sugar, then a whole syringe of something that starts with an "f" (I can't remember the name) that is an anti-fungal drug, then a syringe of diflucan for anti-yeast, then a whole IV bag (smallish) with calcium, magnesium, bromain, selenium, potassium, zinc and a few others. About a half hour after the treatment, I got so sleepy I could NOT keep my eyes open, so I dozed on and off for about 30 minutes. Then I got the iron and the procrit and I was still sleepy, but not loopy, just a little wobbly -- thank goodness for my cane because I think I felt like a drunk person would be like.

Dr. Lodi gave me a prescription for Fentanyl in a patch for pain. I am in love with it! I slept from midnight until 5:30 am!!!!! I did wake up a few times in between there just changing position in bed, but not even enough to check the clock. That is the most sleep I have had at one time in at least 18 months -- probably more. Then I slept again until 6:00 and then until 6:30, when I was pretty wide awake, still being a lot on Texas time, still. But I didn't get up even once in that whole time, which is a miracle. I usually have to get up to deal with the pain or just stretch my leg or pace a little. I can't wait to see if every night can be this great. I hope so. Then, by the time Rick comes next weekend, he might see a rested wife! What a treat for him!

General Conference was great today. I am so grateful for the gospel and for the strength I have received from the Savior. I have truly felt the Savior hold me and love me.

I am grateful for all the prayers, thoughts, love and support I have received from so many people. I feel it. It helps and strengthens me. I can be braver and less anxious. I feel more peaceful and I look forward to continuing treatments. I am going to get well!!!!!!!!!

April 4, 2008

2008-04-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

Well, we met with Dr. Lodi yesterday for the first time. He is amazing. Very knowledgeable and very thorough in his explanations. A little too thorough for me -- I don't really care about all the medical stuff, but Mom loved it. :) Here is my biggest complaint so far: he is on Hawaii-time, or something. My appointment was for 10:00 and we didn't get back to see him until 10:50. Then the rest of the day kind of followed that idea. He did want to jump in on treatments, though, so I got an IV yesterday with Vitamins, Minerals, etc and then one with Alpha Lipoic Acid. Everyone I met there was very very nice. I didn't see any patients there my age -- most are my parents ages or older. But that is ok, because they are so sweet to me. It was interesting. All these cancer patients in together, all worried about each other and expressing compassion for each other. What an experience in love. And the staff is very nice. There is someone checking on you all the time -- I mean every 5 minutes or so.

Having a picc line DID make such a difference in getting an IV. They pulled blood out first to do some lab work. I didn't even feel it. Then they started the IV, other than feeling cold for a little bit -- I didn't feel it. It did make it take longer, though. So my IV took 2 1/2 hours, where most people's takes between 1 1/2 hours and 2 hours.

But by the time I got back to Mom's house, I was a wreck! My leg was swollen worse than I have ever seen it. And the PAIN!!!!!!!!! After sitting, sitting, sitting, I was absolutely a disaster. Spencer and Kyle came over and gave me a blessing and I did feel much better. And I slept soooooooooooooooooooo much better. So this morning, there is a pretty high number on the pain scale, stll, but some of the swelling is down and I feel a lot more lucid.

Today I meet with Dr. Lodi again. Then we start the IPT. So the next time type in here, I will have chemotherapy in ne, agh! BUT, Dr. Lodi HAS treat liposarcomas. He treated a man who had one in his thigh! And it is GONE after working with Dr. Lodi

I hope all goes well today. Hopefully, I will be able to sleep better again tonight.

April 2, 2008

2008-04-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is in the wee hours of April 3, and I am not sleeping. What a surprise! I thought I had tossed and turned and dozed at least 8 hours worth, only to look at the clock finally and see that it had been barely 3 hours! *sigh* Oh well.

But...here I am in Mesa. I survived getting a picc line put in on Tuesday morning (the dressing is driving me crazy, but other than that it is ok). I was getting fed up with having to wait so long to get it put in, but, after being told that I couldn't direct music with it in, I was grateful. I am glad I didn't have to direct the Easter Program with my left arm only.

I need more nerve pain meds. Hopefully today I get some called in and get going on them, again. I forgot how dreadful that nerve stuff was. Wow!

It was great to see brothers and sisters and and kids and new babies today. Emma and Caleb were having so much with their cousins, they could hardly stop and tell me hi when I got here. The scary part of our evening, was Emma having a little asthma attack. Thank goodness for Auntie Sarah! Since cousin Kaden has asthma, Auntie Sarah brought over his breathin machine and the drug that goes in it and gave Emma a breathing treatment. That helped and she went right to sleep, snuggling on Auntie Sarah's lap. Whew! Disaster averted, but we will be watching her like a hawk for a bit.

Well, it is a little after 2am here and I was hoping this would take a lot longer than a couple of minutes.

I already miss Rick -- especially when Emma was having her attack. :)

I am keeping my fingers crossed for my appointment with Dr. Lodi. I will see him in less than 8 hours!