Monday, May 31, 2010

Still Hopping Along -- for a while longer

I finally had my counts high enough to start chemo again 2 weeks ago.  After the first round of chemo, my counts went down below 4 again; but not so bad that it stopped the Dr. from doing chemo again this week.  So.... we'll see what happens when I get my blood test this week.  Hopefully, they haven't fallen any more. 

I was on a temporary high this week after seeing a show where it looked like a guy had a total hip disarticulation (like me) and had a prothestic that allowed him to ride a bike, run, and walk almost normally.  He was an avid biker and had a very active life-style.  I was so excited!  I had been told two years ago that most people in my situation reject/refuse prothestics, if they even try them, because they are terrible.  There isn't enough hip muscle left and no joint to move a prothestic comfortably and it is hard to sit, get onto and off the floor, walk, go up stairs, etc.  Most people in my situation just do what I do:  crutches, wheelchairs, walkers.  After seeing this, though, I was so excited!  Well, I was wrong -- after watching the show again, I saw that his amputation was just above the knee and he had enough of a stump for the whole works.  And, after doing a little more research and talking to some drs., I heard the same thing I heard 2 years ago.  I was sitting at my desk, when I hung up for the last time and started to cry.  It was a pretty rough moment.  I know I am allowed to be sad and mourn over this;  it just doesn't solve anything. 

While I was trying to get myself together so I wouldn't worry Caleb and Emma, I looked up over my desk to the above picture.  It is one of my favorites.  We have it in a beautiful frame and it has come to mean a lot to me.  As I looked at it I had such comfort!  Because of the Savior, I will not go through eternity with crutches, wheelchairs or walkers.  When I am resurrected, I will step out with two legs and it will be such a happy moment, I am sure I will laugh and dance and sing.  At that moment I was grateful for the Gift of the Holy Ghost to comfort and remind me of my Savior and what He has done for me.

So, for anyone that thinks I don't have moments of self-pity, I do!  I am truly grateful to be alive and to be blessed in so many many ways each day!  At the same time, there is so much I want to do and I wonder how to accomplish it.  I truly believe the Lord will not ask anything of me, "save he shall prepare a way" for me to accomplish it (like being asked to go on the 4th year hike for Girls Camp? -- that will be interesting). 

Excited for glad to have my kids home!  It has been a nice few days!  I am afraid summer will fly by too quickly and then school will start again. I thought I loved the toddler stages the best, but the older my kids get, the more I find to love in each stage.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Whoo hoo!!!

Definitely happy today!  My counts are officially above 3 -- Barely.  They are at 3.1.  But, hey, it is over 3.  So... not good enough for the dr. to start chemo again this week, but good enough I can take my mask off (at home), good enough to hold the puppy, and sooooo glad to be able to sleep without it!!!!!!  When I picked Dobby up for the first time (in over a month) he wagged so hard he almost fell out of my arms.  What kept him in was that he was trying to lick me all over my face (I really really hate being licked, but I could relate to his feeling of joy).  Isn't it nice that dogs are so forgiving?   Emma is back to being a little more open with me.  She really felt like the mask was a barrier to her Mommy, poor thing.  She told me today, that she really hated it.  She never told me that when I was wearing it, but I could tell.  Isn't it great that kids are so forgiving?  What great lessons we can learn from both -- kids and dogs.

So.....Church on Sunday?  It's looking good!  Can't wait!  So excited! 

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Getting ready to hold up a bank

Okay, well, I am still on "house arrest", as my white blood cell count has STILL not gotten over 3.0.  And, at first, it was absolutely marvelous to have an excuse to not have treatments.  I thought it would be a week or so and back to the schedule we would go.  I am at three weeks now of looking like I am going to rob a bank.  At first, it was just annoying......who wants to wake up to their own morning breath?  A little inconvenient to wear the dumb mask.  I have to admit, now, I am seriously having a bad attitude!  Here is me on my birthday-- at least the mask helps to hide some of the wrinkles of turning 40.  Except, I am actually proud to be 40.  And the gray hair I am now sporting????  Well, at least there is still some hair there.  If you look really closely, you will see how thin it is......By June I may need a wig at the rate it is falling out.  Nice to not have to fix my hair, but a wig in AZ in the summer, doesn't sound super appealing.

So, here is where my bad attitude took me.  On Monday, I found out that my WBC count was finally over 2, so on Tuesday, we took the kids down to go through the Gila Valley Temple Open House.  They both had coughs, so I made them wear a mask, too, while we were in the car.  But, I guess they are effective.  I haven't gotten a cough at all -- which could have been scary.  I took off the mask for the picture here -- I just couldn't stand taking a picture in front of the temple with a mask on.

Am I sorry?  Not a speck!  It was a wonderful experience for all of us.  When we got to the end, Emma said, "I don't EVER want to leave!"  Caleb is getting anxious to go to the temple to do baptisms -- just a few months away. 

I am the biggest boob ever -- I couln't stop crying.  I am truly grateful for temples.  I don't like to think about not living until old age (they said I wouldn't make it 5 years and look -- we are at 9), but to know that the bonds I have with my family will not end with this life is my biggest comfort. 

So, enjoy seeing the picture of me enjoying my rebelliousness.  Other than that, I have been a pretty good girl about not going places and about wearing my mask.  I am feeling so much better, though, after 3 weeks of no treatments, though, that I am getting antsy.  This home-body actually wants to go somewhere.  If this keeps up, hopefully, I will not only feel better, but will have energy to get some things done.